I feel the only way to fully embrace all aspects of myself, is to allow my experience, to be, regardless of how difficult it might be to face. In order to do that, I need to accept what is currently happening in my experience....meaning, exactly how I feel....right....now.
Today was a very difficult day for me and I'm still feeling quite emotional and I'd like an outlet to express my emotions. But, the reason it turned out so difficult, is the way I handled it. I haven't been this stressed in quite a long time and I realized today how poorly I handled the stress of the situation I found myself in and it just goes to show how human I am after all or more along the lines of how much work I have left to do on myself. I had a big awakening two weeks ago (one of many over the past couple of years), which was detailed in my earlier posts, yet my humanness has never been more evident than today.
There was a leak in my apartment today which woke me up and I immediately panicked. Combine that with a couple of other things including a falling out with a former friend and bang, here I am. Crying is something that is often looked down upon in our society for men and personally, I don't feel ashamed to cry. Crying makes me feel good. It's a release of emotions for me and a release of energy. I cry during movies or when I get emotional. I'm posting this because, it's making me feel incredibly vulnerable to post it...haha! The more vulnerable I allow myself to be, the more open I become. I feel the more public I can express myself and as honest and open as I possibly can be with myself and my experience, is the only way I am ever going to come full circle in embracing all aspects of myself. I was recommended that I post this blog to Facebook. I'm still hesitant to do it because of the complexity of personalities that encompass my Facebook friends, but I am strongly considering it. I'll do it when I am ready.
I hate wearing a mask. I've worn a mask for so long, my face needs to breathe. I want everyone who reads this blog to see who I truly am. Who I am is exactly who I am in any given moment. I want to shout it from the rooftops and the mountain tops to express my Love for them by showing who and what I really am. The only way I can express the love I am for them is to be perfectly honest and embrace what I am feeling right now. I am feeling sadness right now and a little fear of a number of factors. Yet, there is a Love around that sadness and fear as I allow it to flow through me. The fear I feel, is a result of the potential unknown.
Did we ever consider that there are no faults in relationships, but merely opportunities for growth? I could pinpoint a million things from present relationships or past relationships that I, or my partner were at fault for, but, ultimately, fault lies in the eye of the beholder. There's only subjectivity. What one person sees as a fault, is an opportunity for growth for another. See yourself....in relation to another and live from there. Neale Donald Waslch has some incredible stuff on this on youtube and in his books 'Conversations with God'. No, there's no religion involved. It's strictly spirituality. Relationships provide us with some of the greatest homework for ourselves as we really see the parts of ourselves that we often don't want to see. It's easy to live your life detached from the world with no interactions. However, there's very little opportunity for reflection (using another person as a mirror) which is why relationships of all kinds are such wonderful tools for us here in human form. So, please don't beat yourself up if you seemingly fuck up. That fuck up is a wonderful opportunity for learning, evolution and growth for your soul perspective. Maybe my next post will delve more into manifesting and the....gulp....Law of Attraction.
I've worried so much in my life over the years, including rejection, making the wrong decisions, what people will think of me, money, change, sexual performance, my health. Yep I've been a worry wort. I've held my feelings in, in the past. Awakening for me has liberated me from these emotions/feelings, but being a conditioned mind/body, they still rear their head. So, when I'm in a tough situation, such as what I dealt with today, sometimes, these conditioned feelings arise again as part of the conditioning of my mind/body. Let me point out that, the leak/flood today was not nearly as bad as my reaction to it. The fear of my apartment being destroyed and my work computer. The fear of my bed being destroyed. Where would I sleep? I realize how non-adaptable I am in life. It takes me a while to be able to sleep in a new setting which is why I don't sleep well in hotels (plus hotel pillows are very uncomfortable).
Acknowledging what you are feeling is huge. Being in denial, is a rejection of the dark side. Acknowledging the dark side, is embracing the dark side and as a result beaming light on the dark side. I am all of it! Being whole and complete means acknowledging what we often don't want to face. It's painful and difficult. Trust me! But, facing it, as difficult as it might be, is much more liberating and enlightening and healthy for the body then holding our emotions in and having them manifest in other forms within the body or projected outward towards other people. We can never embrace all aspects of ourself, with part of ourself still in the dark. Star Wars was a religion for me growing up and I never realized how profound George Lucas's script was in relation to spirituality until recent years.
My fears and my dark side are here for anyone to see. I am fully open as I embrace it all. That which used to be dark, is becoming more and more lit.
I love you all very much and I will continue to detail my journey through the human roller coaster known as life :).
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