Thursday, February 28, 2019

Thursday Night Somatic Journey

This ache, this yearning. This familiar pain right here in the middle of my abdomen. It burns across my chest and it feels like my chest is constricting. My eyesight disappears. My breathing completely stops. My body closes up in rage and constriction and fight/flight. I'm ready to attack and defend my image. The rage of punishment and abandonment. The rage of not receiving what I want. The rage of not receiving the validation and approval I so yearn for. I cried in the crib and screamed, but no one came. I needed so much attention and the attention I sought could not be provided to me. No one could provide the unique attunement that I needed. So, I shut down into freeze and here we have this functional freeze.....

It's a familiar feeling that I know too well and that's haunted me all of my life. The story runs and runs and runs in my mind. The story makes the pain worse and I'm completely out of touch with my body. I'm anywhere, but.....here. What this person did to me; what THAT person did to me. The projection of my own rage; my own insecurities has always found an 'other' to blame. After all, I couldn't hold my own pain. So, someone must take the weight off of these sore shoulders. It was too painful to be WITH this pain. Will it be you? Or maybe you? Sorry, but not this time.

I look for an outlet to distract me from the intensity of this anguish; this heart wrenching feeling in my body. Facebook is a good outlet. I can go there and find a good quote to deflect from the horror that is happening in my body. Ahh, there's a friend's comment or post that I like. Or maybe YouTube. Or I can complain to a friend so that I can hope they provide the pity I so yearn for.

But, to actually be here right now. RIGHT NOW.....in the heart of this intensity....oh, it's too much. If I don't take action, what will happen? But, I am still here right NOW with what I am feeling. Oh the thought about the worst case scenario seems too much to bear. Back to my body I go.

My chest is thumping. My abdomen is clenched and the pain shoots up to my solar plexus where it is largely centered. My legs are tight and achy. My arms want to punch a wall and at the same time, there is intense sadness right underneath. Oh god, it's so strong. The sadness wants to erupt. But, it's being blocked by fight energy (anger). The anger is a cover for this intense grief and sadness. To cry is to admit defeat and surrender. My nervous system is not allowing that right now. It has to keep fighting.

I speak to those protector parts of me; the parts that have created this identity known as 'Derek':

Derek, I understand how you've tried to protect me my whole life. You don't want ME to get hurt, because you still believe that you are something other than Divine. But, what if I told you right now, that no one can hurt us? They can only hurt an image that WE have created of ourselves at an earlier time, and that YOU are working so hard to protect? It's ok that you feel this way. 

What if I told you that this is EXACTLY what we came here; in this body to experience? You're not getting it wrong, no matter how many people abandon you and leave you. What if it was ok that this anger was here? Yes, I know you're feeling nauseous now from this pain. But, what if that TOO was ok. I am here with you. I love you. What if I can tell you that I am here for you right now in this moment and you don't have to run anywhere. You don't have to feel any different than you do. I know you're angry! How interesting that is! I love you. I love you. I love you. It's not your fault that you feel this way. This is just an old pattern from early childhood. Yes, you are a child that never got integrated. I love you. 

More thoughts come up.....more pain in my solar plexus. Fear, anxiety. Sadness is still too blocked right now by sympathetic activation to come through. Instead rage and anxiety are more present although rage is subsiding a bit and anxiety is taking over more so. Oh, how interesting this all is. It's ME and yet, it's not ME alone. I AM not any of these parts. And yet, none of these parts can exist without ME. Hence they ARE ME.

I notice my breath. It's a bit shallow. But, I notice it. The achiness in my legs. More thoughts about memories of better times emerge. More pain in my solar plexus. Oh how I miss those days. But, back on to my body. I can feel my body against the bed. I can feel my head against the pillow. More thoughts of worry come up. More temptation to avoid, to manipulate. Not doing it this time. And yet, that's ok too. They TOO can be here. My body is starting to loosen up a bit with the permission from me (Self). My breathing becomes deeper. I'll be going through this process a lot in the next couple of days.

Thank you for reading.

1 comment:

Thursday Night Somatic Journey

This ache, this yearning. This familiar pain right here in the middle of my abdomen. It burns across my chest and it feels like my chest is ...