The Insecure Ego Identity Part two

So, feeding off of part one of this two part blog post, based on my own experiences with insecurity, everything really boils down to identity. Our nervous systems are protecting the perceived sense of identity of who we believe we are. Perhaps it's safe to say that we have no identity in early childhood, and that identity is only created via our interactions with our caregivers. Because we step into this life as a clean slate of Awareness as stated, our True identity, having been blocked out (amnesia), we have an opportunity at an extremely young age, to create an identity on a completely blank canvas.

Yet, consider that we intentionally choose to create an identity that contradicts our true nature prior to coming here. "Prior" to incarnating, we choose to set challenges for ourselves which take place early in our life as a starting point, so that we have the opportunity to 'overcome' them later in life, by stepping into our true power. This is why we identify ourselves with the body/mind. The only way to lose ourselves, is to identify with limitation and survival as a gateway; as a portal to stepping into unlimited potential, which is our true, infinite, eternal nature. In other words, you couldn't find your way home, if you didn't first lose yourself. Isn't this the fun and challenge of the game?

But, let's just consider for a second, how perfect we truly are at our essence. God's true nature is utter and complete perfection, Love beyond any human comprehension, wholeness, completeness, and Oneness without an opposite. Can you possibly fathom what it would be like if part of God was not perfect, if part of god was unworthy or incomplete? The only way that would be possible, is if God itself was somehow separated into parts. There is God (perfection) and there is me (imperfection). I have already taken myself to be something separate from this seamless backdrop of all existence. This Pure Awareness which lightens our experiential play is always here, and always unchanging. But, I see myself as something other than that, because of my strong identification with the story playing in my mind, which I believe to be a true indication of an identity of someone named 'Derek'.

The idea of separation cannot exist, outside of God's own imagination; outside of OUR own imagination. Are we separate from God? Where does this separation exist outside of the narrative/story in our minds that we so strongly take to be true? There is only just THIS. What we call the Present Moment, perhaps we can say.....IS God and IS our true essence. It's the place where we are no longer identified with the streaming narrative running in our minds, but instead allowing of that story to play out on its own, and we are directly present with whatever is happening in our direct experience, including feelings/emotions and sensations in our body, without the narrative describing those sensations. 

Now imagine a world where there IS only pure and utter perfection (the Spirit World), the place we come from 'before' coming into these bodies, where the idea of 'not perfect' is something we can only dream of experiencing, and laugh about, because perfection and imperfection simply do not exist.

The idea of perfection is an implication that there could be something that is NOT perfect. But, anything other than THIS.....can only exist as a potential thought, to be experienced if we so choose to in an incarnate form. Just like unicorns and the devil are not real things that exist here on Earth, and things we can only create through our imagination (movies, books, dreams, etc) if we want to experience them as 'real', the same can be said for imperfection and incompleteness from the perspective of the non physical. The only way imperfection or incompleteness can be experienced from the non physical, is to imagine ourselves as imperfect through......physical incarnation into a human experience. As we would have to mis-identify ourselves with limitation (the mind/body) in order to actually have the real, raw experience of......not feeling like we are already complete. 

Now, imagine waking up in a human body, not knowing who you are, where you are, what you are. Only an intuitive sense of your natural, perfect state. But, that gets pushed away, in place of the desperate needs that have to be met by your caregiver, and thereafter, the beliefs you form based on the perceptions you had with those caregivers. Your experience with your caregivers shows you that you need to act a certain way in order to get their attention, approval, validation and love, and as very small children, getting that was literally, life and death.

We were completely dependent and vulnerable on getting those needs met, or else we would literally, die. Perhaps you were not attended to in the crib when you were crying and you were simply left to cry and scream which made you feel abandoned. Perhaps you had another sibling who meant competition for mom and dad's love for you which made you feel rejected and unworthy. Perhaps, you were abused emotionally, physically and/or sexually, and made to feel less then, unworthy, massive shame and simply not enough. All of these experiences led to the perceptions we had at a young age, and helped form the identity that we believed we were based on the conclusions we came to about ourselves, from these early life experiences.  

But, knowing about our true perfection, which we discussed above, now imagine how painful it would be for anything in existence to perceive itself as.....not already perfect when the truth of perfection is imprinted into the very fabric of existence. This is exactly what we do. We think we are something 'other' than perfection, because we have no recollection of our true nature. We identify with the biological human vehicle as all that we are, and create an identity for ourselves based on how we are perceived by our caregivers, how our caregivers interact with each other, and how we perceive ourselves in relation to our caregivers.

The inkling of intuition that flows through every cell in our body, tells us that we are already perfect. Therefore, to experience ourselves as not getting love, validation, approval; to experience ourselves as being in the wrong place, doing something wrong; to experience ourselves as moving away from love, falling out of alignment with the rest of the world, falling behind, would re-enforce these core beliefs of unworthiness, not enough, imperfection, not whole, and this, therefore, would re-enforce that early sense of insecurity.

For a Being of complete and utter perfection to actually believe itself to be incomplete, not good enough, unworthy; to not already feel secure in its own essence, is simply too painful for that Being to bear, because in essence, there IS only perfection which we again, intuitively sense. Because we haven't a clue of our true nature though; because we so strongly identify with the voice in our head (which is just the voice of survival from early childhood warning us of anything that can go wrong and this is the Ego), we can't allow ourselves to be vulnerable and can't allow ourselves to be exposed, open, raw, and naked. We can't allow ourselves to show weakness. It would jeopardize our entire persona, to be at risk for rejection; to be at risk for scrutiny, for criticism, which we take to be an injustice against.....our core essence. Letting our guard down would be equivalent to dying for a nervous system that is programmed to only protect our sense of 'identity'.

Therefore, it's much safer to shut it out, split off, protect itself from feeling that insecurity, that sense of unworthiness, that sense of incompleteness via ruminating in our thoughts, by trying to control our thoughts. Trying to figure things out with our minds as a form of resisting the actual painful feelings is a form of safe control for the Ego. Trying to prove that that story is not true with our minds. Trying to figure everything out with our minds, so that we avoid the feeling of 'uncertainty'. Uncertainty is death to our survival minds, because for an insecure ego, there is such little trust in life itself, that we ALWAYS want and need to feel secure. In other words, we always need to feel.......in control.

We believe so strongly again, in the story playing through our thoughts, that a single thought, if believed can initiate a cycle of immense pain, when triggered, until we finally get so tired that we have no choice, but to step out of it and surrender.

We believe a thought so strongly that we will do anything to avoid thinking that thought, because the thought re-enforces the core emotional pain stemming from some sort of belief about ourselves that we are too afraid to face, because once again, we think the fear is an indication that there is actually something wrong with the core essence of who we really are.

Or instead, we might believe a worrisome thought which is projecting the worst case scenario on a particular situation we are involved with that has nothing to do with how we are perceived by others. Our thoughts are always based in negativity, because our brains have an evolutionary negativity bias built in as a form of protection from predators. We are literally wired for protection. But, the more we resist those early childhood beliefs and emotions, the more ingrained those beliefs become, and the more our brains will operate from that place of that 'scared child'. Therefore certain situations will simply re-enforce that early childhood insecurity and we will feel like we just want to feel.......safe, secure and loved in that particular moment. As cliche as it is, what we resist with our beliefs, truly does persist.

When we are so identified in our heads, in those thoughts, we actually bypass and suppress what is actually happening. And what is actually happening, is the direct emotional experience in our bodies.

Since childhood, we pushed those emotions away, because we feared what they represented. We simply did not trust in our true nature enough to let go into our direct embodied experience. It was simply not safe enough.

So, in essence, we are too afraid to face some of our thoughts and too afraid to feel those direct feelings in our bodies, not so much because the sensations themselves are dangerous, or the thoughts themselves are dangerous, but because ultimately, we are too afraid of letting go of focusing on the thoughts, which would equate to..... letting go of control and opening ourselves up into full vulnerability and trust.

What if I could fully accept that this person is rejecting me? What if this other person IS moving ahead with their lives, and I am still struggling. What an act of love to honor what I am actually feeling, rather than suppressing that, pushing it away, in order to make myself feel and appear more 'on the same level as they are' to once again appear 'secure'. What if I can fully accept that the situation I am 'stuck in' right now sucks. Can I let go of control, and surrender enough to trust that the answer WILL indeed come when I am no longer resisting through ruminating?

The other option is surrender and fully letting go of control. That would mean we can, through an act of full vulnerability and trust, take our attention away from that movie playing in our minds, and move into that feeling of unworthiness directly in the body, and see first hand, if it really is true.

To allow our thoughts to go by without indulging in them, often feels like death to us, because the ego has no choice, but to surrender control to the higher consciousness (who we really are). But, the Ego doesn't believe in a higher consciousness. It believes this body/mind is all we are.

If I don't entertain or worry about that thought, then I might die. This is exactly what our nervous systems do. Our nervous systems don't know the difference between who we really are, and who we believe we are. We are the ones that dictate that once again at an early age, unconsciously of course.

So, as we can see, we go from creating an identity based in limitation, survival and fear, to the point where the walls start to break down and the cracks of light start to shine through as the pain of living a lie is too much for us and we have simply no choice, but to surrender into the full vulnerability of our Higher Self, and allow the ego to gradually die, or else, true death itself.

"When at last there is nothing left to lose, you are ready. For only then, in the sacred space of humility, are you able to recognize and embrace what has never been lost. It is only when you are convinced that you are hopelessly lost - when you simply do not know where to turn - that you turn within, and the real journey begins.

~ Rasha"

The Insecure Ego identity Part One

The Ego can be defined in a number of different ways. This blog piece and the follow up, will be focused on the insecure ego, which is what I have experienced through most of my life. So, this is more of an open sharing of my own experiences and what I have learned on my own (thus far), and through my research with the nervous system. The insecure ego encompasses anyone who grew up feeling 'not good enough OR an extreme sense of superiority'. They are both part of the same mechanism, but merely manifest differently.

My view, for now, on this matter, is as follows and it's only my own perspective once again and there's a lot I still have to learn about this.

Basically, we (I AM) come into this life as a clean slate. We essentially don’t remember anything about our initial true identity as Pure Spirit (I AM), because we purposely choose to have amnesia to block out the memory of our true identity, when we made the choice to incarnate here, in order to have (what feels like) a real, physical experience here. 

The biological survival organism is set up to protect the body from life and death. Hence the survival aspect. The Autonomic Nervous System serves multiple functions. One is survival. The survival aspect consists of the Fight/Flight (Sympathetic) and Freeze (Over Parasympathetic-Dorsal Vagal in regards to the Vagus Nerve), while Ventral Vagal is the social engagement or the calming effect of the Parasympathetic Branch. It is supposed to keep us safe from wild predators and any immediate, imminent threat to the actual safety of our biological mechanism. Literal.....life and death. We could not have a real life physical experience here on Earth without a functioning survival aspect of our nervous systems. In other words, its job is to keep us alive in the virtual reality game. 

So, we come into this life, incarnate into the live fetus, not a clue who we truly are. Just a blank slate of Awareness. We feel we are one with our mothers since we are connected in the womb. It’s the closest feeling of unconditional love we can have, while experiencing in a physical body. Then, our first experience of separation happens. We realize perhaps that we are separate from mom. She is one entity, and I am another, which is quite a shock to our very young, sensitive nervous systems. I AM....this biological body/mind vehicle. My mother is another biological/body mind vehicle. 

Whether this happens in the womb or after birth, it matters not. It’s a shock to us, because we have an inkling of intuition that KNOWS that unconditional love is already our nature, but can't fully grasp this. Love is the essence of our true identity. It's a feeling. We already are....."All That Is". So, anything that feels like "not love" already feels 'off', and I would suggest, this is an intentional by design, aspect of our internal guidance system. 

But, somehow, we can’t remember that and feel separate and alone. And the idea that we are separate seems, well, painful to us. We completely identify ourselves with the biological human body. We "mistakenly" think we ARE this body/mind and ONLY this body/mind. I AM.....becomes......I AM this body. So, our nervous systems which are primed for survival of the body/mind vehicle, already take note of this identification. 

Then, through our experiences with our caregivers as little ones, we realize we are completely vulnerable and dependent on our caregivers to get our needs met. If our needs are met in the fashion closest to unconditional secure love (remember, this is who we really are), we will feel mostly secure.

 If our needs are not met in the ways we needed; or if we were abused; or if we simply PERCEIVED that we were not lovable or good enough, or complete, or/and we could have also inferred subconscious programs in the womb from our mothers (which scientists like Bruce Lipton are now reporting), our identity is then created through the core belief that we are 'incomplete' or 'unworthy'. We take this to be a true core essence of who we are. This leads to massive insecurity (I know from experience). 

Already believing  our identity as "I AM....this body", this identity expands to now take on the new essence of these new core beliefs, such as (incompleteness, unworthiness, not good enough, etc). I AM....incomplete. 

 Our nervous system already priming the I AM for protecting, believing it IS only this body/mind, now puts our amygdala on alert for any perceived threat that reinforces this core belief of 'incompleteness' or 'unworthiness'. Remember, the survival aspect of our nervous system's job is to protect the "identity" of the body/mind vehicle from dying. Literally. Wild predators, an oncoming bus, etc. So it IS doing its job. But, because We (As Pure Spirit) have "mistakenly" identified ourselves AS these body/minds (and this is all intentional from a larger perspective which I will expand on in part two), our nervous systems are now programmed to protect anything associated with "I AM". 

So, it's not only the body/mind that it is protecting from actual physical death, but the newly created identity (the false self, the ego) based on the core beliefs we have taken on. This belief gets reinforced over time as all beliefs do when they are not seen through. We don't question it and believe we ARE it. I AM....Derek and Derek is incomplete. Therefore, anything that might re-enforce the feeling that 'Derek is incomplete' will be looked at as a threat to survival. 

As time goes by, this becomes our new comfort set point which feels painful to change (see Dr. Joe Dispenza's work). Our nervous system builds up this persona, mask, armor to defend us and protect us from anything that could re-enforce these core beliefs, because the core beliefs are thought to be true, and taken to be the core essence of our actual identity as separate people. 

Ultimately, the beliefs are always based in separation, because that's how the identity we created with the body/mind vehicle began. However, they just manifest uniquely for each of us depending on the initial experience where the belief was formed, and our own unique life experiences. So, they are ultimately protecting us from the true vulnerability of our actual nature, from actual trust, from actual love. 

Any attempt to go out of this comfort zone, feels like death to ourselves, because our nervous systems are wired to protect us from (what it believes as).....dying. Most of our core beliefs involve on some level, the belief that we need approval and love outside of ourselves from other people, because we never really understood our true identity when we were babies, and never really had a secure base to claim our identity. Our identity was created through our interaction and attunement again, with our caregivers. So, if we feel unworthy, rejection would feel like death. 

Remember again, the nervous system is just doing its job. Its job, again, is to protect the body mind from death. But, because the essential nature of the body mind has now been "mistakenly" expanded to include "I AM' (in other words, our true Spirit nature), anything associated with "I AM", is going to be protected. And since the core beliefs are taken to actually be our true essence; our true identity, the nervous system is protecting us from feeling the pain of having those initial core beliefs reinforced. It would be inconceivably painful to actually experience....."we are not good enough, unworthy". 

So, the ego mask tries to hold it all together to appear....."secure" when underneath that armor, there is simply an incredibly scared, insecure little child who feels weak, vulnerable and wants to feel loved and safe and secure, longs to feel 'his home nature'. 

We can say that other animals on Earth don't have these core beliefs, because when they experience trauma, they shake it off. Humans on the other hand tend to often shut down around trauma, around painful experiences and split off, to create a false identity to avoid feeling the initial pain. Plus, humans have the capacity to be self aware unlike many other animals. It's an incredibly smart, survival tactic that serves us early in our lives when we have young sensitive nervous systems, but does not serve us later in life, when those same issues continue to re-surface time and time again. Believing this is who we are, we perpetually identify with the thoughts that are coming out of the survival mind. This perpetual identification is how the Ego is formed. More on this in part two.......

*This post has been updated with some new information on the nervous system, from the time I initially wrote it. 

Always Right

This ship's off course

Been led astray

That pot of gold

So far away

Mistakes abound

I cannot breathe

For every blunder

I'm left to seethe

The tide is strong

I'm falling down

I've lost my way

I'll surely drown

All contact gone

I cringe and fight

I am all alone

without a light

This earthy goal

I strive to fill

I must push forward

with all my will

Away I drift

so far from home

into darkness

The ship will roam 

Perfect I must

for if I fail

I'm left to ponder 

that ship that sailed

Yet, sail it will

and sail it must

as the wind blows out

with a mighty gust

The hours fly

It's half passed three

This current pulls me

Out to sea

The time has come

To say goodbye

This fight is over

It's time to die

I stand up tall

I open wide

It's yours God now

At least I tried

A thump so loud

The ship is rocked

I look way down

The ship is docked

I've made it home

I'm here alive

That pot of gold

I have arrived

So what is failure?

If not a dream

Just a detour

of a different stream

Perhaps the same

for life itself

for every road

leads to Ourself

Little poem I wrote tonight about 'feeling off course' in life. You can never get it wrong as all paths lead home one way or another. 

So the story goes......

I recently read "Home with God" from Neale Donald Walsch and I have to say that the book to me had a lot of really interesting aspects. There were a couple of things here and there which did not resonate in the book, but largely the view is a beautiful one. I do recommend the book. I read 75 percent of it in one day. Just ate it up (not literally, as that would only compound my already existing GI issues by consuming that much paper and print....).

"The closer you get to the meaning
The sooner you'll know that you're dreaming"

Lyrics above by Ronnie James Dio and Black Sabbath. The power of getting lost within the story to realize you'd been dreaming......is the thrill of experiencing yourself as 'not yourself'; the thrill of believing you are 'powerless', and without choice, to the empowering realization that you have always had a choice to align with love or fear; to wake up to who you really are and realize everything was always ok. Even the word 'perfection' implies that there is something else that is imperfect. There only ever was....this flow of unconditional love, this flow of peace and well being. It is our choice to align with that flow or resist it. Ultimately, that's the crux of the game of life.

We take this life so seriously and so real. The fundamental belief that "life is scary" stems from a belief in "I am separate". I fall victim to the character of "Derek" and and all of his apparent worries, insecurities, doubts and anxieties by believing that story could ever possibly be.....real. Everything in this story seems so real, so serious, and so urgent as if my entire sense of self worth, depended on its survival. That story when believed as a child, then becomes the face/persona/identity of who I believe myself to be. That story then sets the stage for my subconscious mind to be on alert for anything that could possibly cause harm to that sense of identity in which this story creates. After all, the identity we believe we are, is simply based in a story we have taken to be true. It's life and death to my nervous system.

What happens when I believe myself to be the character itself within the story? Let's look at a hypothetical break down of our views on reality. Life gets really serious and real when I believe this thought that "I am the character in the story". Pressure builds. Real danger can actually happen. Dear god, I can actually be harmed! Life is this unloving, savage place of competition. There is no love here. It's every woman/man for themselves. If I don't make things happen, if I don't gain control of the external world, then I will fall behind, I will struggle, I will not be loved, and the Universe will eat me up and spit me out and leave me there . I will be putting myself at risk for something bad to happen if I allow myself to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is death to the ego. Of course vulnerability comes in various forms. I need to control life to make sure I am safe!  The reality 'out there', needs to fit this criteria of control that this ego believes it needs to have, to a tee in order to ensure that it is loved, happy, content and safe. Happiness after all, can only come from the feelings of safety. And I can only feel safe when I know my external circumstances are perfect enough to meet the criteria for safety that my subconscious has established based on the beliefs we have taken on in childhood. Lots of constriction, tension, resistance in my body. So much pressure!

Now, perhaps there is a squeak of light that says.....well.....maybe I AM more than just this body. Maybe there is an after life. Maybe I am eternal! Incredible!....but....I still need to earn my way through this life and get things "right" in this 'classroom' called Earth, or else.....I will have to come back again and again, and again, until I do indeed, get things "right" and earn the grades to progress higher in my advancement. Well, that is wonderful that I am eternal. Now, I know I am more than just this bag of bones and tissue. Whew! That's a relief! Yet, something still feels off. I mean, being eternal is awesome, but if I am in a classroom, that means, I still need to get things "right" in this life in order to earn my place in the after life! More constriction, resistance, tension in my body. More pressure! After all, how can I let go and surrender in this life, if I 'need to get things right'? There is always this pressure of needing to do things "right" and be on the "right path". The idea that I can actually not be on the right path and actually get things "wrong" implies that.....well......things are NOT ok right now and also implies that I am not....indeed....already....perfect. My heart is telling me that I am already perfect. But, how could I be perfect? I mean, if I am already perfect, then why would I have to get things "right"? And who or what is outside of myself that would even determine if things are "right" or not?

An even greater glimpse of light appears. Moving towards this light feels so immensely peaceful and loving and full of ease. A wave of insight comes through. Could this be my heart talking to me? What it's saying seems too simple. Nah. This can't be true. Well....let's consider it for a second, just for the hell of it. Perhaps none of the above was true.....ever. What if, I'm already perfect. If I am already perfect, then there is no right or wrong. And if I can't get things wrong, then how are my being graded in this classroom called Earth? After all, a classroom is indicative of grades and grades are indicative of 'right/wrong'. So, if I am not being graded, then what am I here to learn? Could it be that I am not here to learn anything? hmmm. My goodness, could it be that I am already complete and utter perfection and I have never left this 'perfection'? Could it be that I have nothing to prove, progress to, or achieve, but simply BE myself to the best of my ability for this temporary blip of time on this planet we call life? Could it be that I am only here in this physical body in order to create myself, express myself and most of experience myself, in which ever way I so choose in order to add to the infinite expansion of 'All That Is"(through love or through fear) and either way, it matters not ultimately because "All That Is" always expands with any type of experience, regardless of the 'outcome' of the experience? Could it be that I am literally creating my entire life experience including matching up with all of the versions of reality that correlate best with my own vibration? Could life simply be that simple? It feels so damn right in my body. My body is telling me that....yes.....it is this simple. But, my mind, society, even various new age teachings tell me that there has to be more and it has to be more complex. Life has to be more difficult. Hard work is the only way I was taught. I have to earn my way towards self worth.

This was a very generic overview of what happens when we deconstruct the stories we believe that don't resonate with the core of our being. I had multiple phone discussions with NDE'r Rich Kelley (Life is a Stage Play) and he informed me that life really IS this simple and we are all here as creators and here to learn nothing as there IS nothing that we don't already know. We are here simply to experience all that we know. This is also confirmed in Conversations with God, and many other NDE's.

I have been learning to use my body an awful lot with discerning information I receive from reading various material, be it spiritual or health related or other stuff. There is this innate knowing intuitively within my heart that I (and many of us collectively) have attached to many fear based beliefs about life, simply out of a desperate lack of trust and fear that I will never "become whole" again. We ALL feel so greatly disconnected here on this planet.....disconnected from who we truly are, and that disconnection will manifest in so many ways for each of us uniquely. But, the intuition that comes strikingly through my body in the form of immense peace, clarity and the thoughts of "Of course!" (compared with the perspective of believing in that story above which brings immense restriction and tension and stress), is that.........we all have simply forgotten that there never was anything to fear in the first place. FEAR is an illusion. The only thing that is real is the utter......experience of fear. An acronym for fear that a friend of mine provided: Forgetting Everything's All Right.

The ultimate realization.........we never left anywhere. We already are whatever it is, we believe we are seeking, advancing to or progressing to. We already are God itself, expressing and experiencing itself through an infinite number of realities. This simple belief (which is often enforced in much New Age literature) that we have to strive for some sort of spiritual advancement or progress can really re-enforce feelings of incompleteness within ourselves. Self love is the eternal way home..... meaning.....radically accepting exactly where we are in life and fully loving every aspect of where we are, because there is no race or competition to get somewhere else. Radically loving yourself darkness and all, means you are no longer resisting "who you are" and fully accepting all parts of yourself by allowing them to be. And not only that, you are actually communicating to the Universe that you ARE a creator and that you trust that the Universe is fully supporting you and that it IS indeed, safe to let go, and vulnerably allow yourself to be enveloped by life itself. OR, you can create from the old subconscious patterns of fear. Let's put it this way, whatever we focus on, grows. We spend our lives believing and living out the same old subconscious patterns and THIS becomes the predominant reality we experience. To realize that this reality was only one possible potential, means that you can create anything. Of course this does not involve changing or fixing our subconscious patterns as so many therapies attempt to do, but instead, realizing and perhaps the most profound aspect of all spirituality..........you can't fix a story, but you can realize that you never were that story. 

We forget the beauty of  approaching life from a place of 'curiosity' in the complete and utter perfection of the present moment, like a child, and instead put so much pressure on ourselves to fight our way to some never existing destination that will only fulfill us temporarily. Manifestation is happening whether we are conscious of it or not. Yet, there is a such a seeming paradox that manifesting from a place of the heart only works, when you are in a state of surrender, appreciation and gratitude, rather than trying to push, control and force the manifestation process. But, TRUST is the gateway to the heart of God. Trusting.....in who you really are as a confident, powerful God, vs. trying to 'make things happen' out of a belief in lack, worry, doubt is where miracles happen. It is this divine, childlike love that allows in all that is a match to that vibration of Love. This is our true nature.

Fear is truly believing that something bad can actually happen to us and buying into that story our subconscious has played for so long. The idea that anything in existence can ever truly harm who I really am, to the point where my life depended so much on whether the external environment conformed to my liking would only take place when I have bought into the belief that I am REALLY separate. If I really believe myself to be separate, then dear god, life really IS scary. If I don't worry about this, and this and this and this .....what ever will happen? If I don't pay attention to this thought of worry, then how will this situation be rectified? There is a complete void of trust, in our survival stories, a lack of trust that well being, that love is already who I am, that letting go vulnerably into the openness of life, can only bring me what I truly want and need in any moment. Sure, what might manifest in my experience, might not be what the ego wants, but the greater part of me, that over sees everything (call it the Higher Self, the Over Soul, etc) knows exactly which path is right for me. Love is already the structure of everything.

But, who or what is it that wants so badly to control the external reality to conform it to its own version of 'safety'? Who is it that feels it needs to worry about this thought and that thought? It's nothing more than a story that our survival mechanism or....ego has created throughout our lives. Our subconscious mind has taken on so many limiting beliefs since we were children, which has created an entire reality for ourselves which seems incredibly objective, solid and real. But, it's all a construction of our own beliefs. It's just one potential reality. Some have been fed to us by our parents, care takers and others around us, while others are simply how our survival brains have filtered the world at a young age.

Of course, it served its purpose initially in living a life of feeling powerless, unworthy and feeling like we never had a choice. That is, until we can become aware enough to see that the initial limited reality we took as a truth is merely constrictive, limiting and leaves us feeling powerless, at the mercy of a cruel world 'out there'. Our reality is a construct of our beliefs. Life is a game. The purpose as I see it, is to first experience yourself as NOT yourself. To experience yourself as choice less, powerless, separate, at the mercy of the world, in order to try to find our way home amidst opposing energies. Taking on this initial limiting belief sets the stage and gives off the rocket of desire (in the words of Abraham) for us to experience something more aligned with who we truly are. If there is no such thing as FEAR, other than the pure experience of it (which is very very real), then how could I ever have believed myself to be the doll in the dollhouse, to believe myself to be the action figure on the board game, to believe myself to be the face on the screen and not seen how I was the creator of the doll house, the creator of the board game, the movie projector itself all along?