Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Being Human-Part One-My Story

I've been thinking about what I want this blog to be about going forward, if I'm even going to keep it. I initially created it to share my self, openly and vulnerably and I feel, that while I've done that at times, it's become more of a 'spiritual insight' blog. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Yet, I feel myself shifting more and more away from theoretical subject matter and into a more human experiential context. That's not to say, I shut myself off from spiritual oriented topics. I still find them immensely helpful as a grounding source for everything else.

I've found that so much of what I've written early on this blog has come through me from a higher part of myself. At times, insights would just flow and I would try to express them in the best way possible through my writing. Yet, at the same time, there has been a lack of vulnerability in some of my posts and I really want to be more open here in this one. I've tip-toed around certain things out of a fear of what I should put out here. With the encouragement of a friend today, I want to share a little deeper about my own story of dealing with chronic illness.

This will be a multiple part blog post detailing my own experience and the second part will be a little more theoretical, but I will try to segway the first part into the second part.

My intention here is to use this platform as an expressive sharing for and of myself, and also, to hopefully help encourage other people to understand that it's safe to be yourself and express yourself, and it doesn't need to be difficult, but you do need to trust that it's safe within yourself. There are people out there willing to listen to you and hear you for exactly as you are. Dividing aspects of our experience into 'good' and 'bad', 'positive' and 'negative', is what keeps us stuck in the first place of not feeling good enough. But, I first want to do a little open sharing of myself. So, for anyone who reads my blog, they will know a little more about my own journey and who I really am. I'm not sure if I will delete this or not. But, for now, here goes.

I've dealt with chronic illness since 2006/2007 when I was in my mid to late 20's. At times, I've felt better and other times, early on, from 2007-2009, it was so difficult, that I wanted to escape it so badly, and had a lot of thoughts about 'leaving'. That's how bad it was, especially early on when my symptoms began and I didn't know what was wrong with me.

Of course, I've only shared this with a very very select few. But, when you feel like your life is never going back to the way it used to be, and there's no way out, the over bearing stress of living a life alone, with awful symptoms, with no one who understands what you're going through is too painful to bear. I never actually considered suicide, in the context of doing it, nor would I. But, the thoughts of leaving this world went through my mind a lot in the early going. The thoughts of how much easier it would be, without the stress. When I first got sick, it felt like my life was over as far as I was concerned. I just wanted release from the stress of living in a prison. But, there was something inside of me that kept pushing me each day to get through, at least it felt like.

Often,  I was just a walking zombie, going through the motions. Trying so hard to get through each day with chronic fatigue like symptoms and a slew of other symptoms. But, I was never sick enough, where I was bed bound like so many other poor people, although many a day, where I could barely get out of bed. I was functional, which was a blessing and a curse, with a job, in grad school, and then post grad school, going on interviews, doing internships. I was dating constantly. I was going out. I was traveling. I just pushed myself to do things and would numb myself with alcohol on the weekends in the first few years of being sick. But, then when I couldn't even drink alcohol anymore, I felt more and more lost and trapped. I could no longer escape what I was feeling and that was the worst feeling in the world.

A lot of my nightly dreams that still occur, that reference those early years of dealing with the chronic illness (first few years) have some of the most profound emotions of pure.......despair. Despair is the best description of the emotions that encompass those dreams. It was the lowest of lows, and the most 'alone' feeling I have ever endured. The blackness of those dreams comes with the feelings of just unspeakable solitude, emotional repression and just a desperate longing for someone to hear me, hold me, understand me and tell me it was going to all be ok. I felt so disconnected from the world and most of all, from....myself.

I felt so strongly in that time period, that life was going on without me. Everyone was getting on with their lives. But, I was failing. I was petrified to fall behind. This has been one of my core fears that I still have, from early childhood, and it was triggered mightily during the period of chronic illness. Basically, the massive insecurity of falling behind and being in the wrong place. If I did, who would be there for me? Life would leave me behind and I would get sucked into a black hole of abandonment, rejection and loneliness, and most of all, I would lose love from others. Ultimately, I would be failing at life. As good as my life was before I got sick, it was only recently with the help of therapy and reflection that I came to see how I lived much of my life up until the point of chronic illness, in a perpetual state of compulsive behaviors of trying to control everything to ensure that I felt safe. I never really felt safe in my life. I avoided vulnerability often, like the plague.

It feels strange to say, but I really never had a concept for who I truly was through much of my life, and lived my life depending on what others thought of me, incessantly seeking validation in different forms from other people.

Being sick, meant something was so terribly wrong. I inherently, was wrong. Can you possibly fathom how awful that feels, to truly believe that the core of your essence is wrong?

In the early years of illness, I clung so tightly to certain people in my life at the time, who are no longer in my life now; but, people who were also struggling with illness. So afraid that they would get better and leave me. If someone close to me was dealing with the same stuff I was dealing with, I felt safer to relax, because if others that I was close with, were in the same boat, it meant, I wasn't alone dealing with this and I was so afraid to be 'the only one who was stuck'.

But, if the other person got better and moved on with their life, it meant to my already over hyper-vigilant/frozen nervous system, once again, that I was all alone dealing with my own internal hell....by myself and dear god was I scared of that, having to face myself, because illness was like this giant red banner, thrown in my face saying "Oh boy, this is not good. You're fucked buddy". I had no choice now, but to face myself. That was not an option though. I couldn't accept that limitation of illness.

Chronic illness prevented me from living the life I thought I was supposed to be living. I was stuck here in this body, in this moment, and being stuck here, in this body, in this moment, was not an option. Yet, I could live up there (in my head, in that story of Derek) easily, and in order to feel safe, that story of Derek needed to have complete control over his life. But, chronic illness took all of the control out of my hands, forced me into a box of limitation, and literally has forced me out of my head, and into my bodily experience which I avoided for years. I'm only first finally now, learning how to explore this.

That fear around being alone with chronic illness is still so prevalent in my life, granted I have a lot more awareness now when it arises. Yet, there is a lot of shame here in acknowledging all of this as well that comes up. The ideal perfect image I might have once had of myself as this strong man; this man of spiritual magnitude; this man who wants to be seen as someone who has complete control of his life; a man who has it all together, has all of the answers, is confident and powerful, has been replaced with this flawed, imperfect vulnerably weak scared child. The risk of showing that side to you, and to the world is the risk of not being loved, or perhaps what I have always believed love to be. And this child has dictated so much of my life for years as it turns out, as it....is the one who wants to be seen as strong in the first place. It is the one who wants so badly to feel warmth, love, security and safety in the first place.

It was ingrained into me through my family, society, culture, etc, that I needed to be someone in this world. I needed to get somewhere and achieve goals. I needed to become someone. But, even beyond that, I was so desperately hungry for validation and love from other people, which is why I was always seeking out a new potential romantic partner. This started when I was a little kid. I couldn't even really sustain any kind of real relationship when I was sick, because of my limited lifestyle. I again, had no context for who I truly was, and I looked for myself, in others. And now, I couldn't even get the validation from others.

Being sick was simply not an option. How could I keep going and going and going and keeping up with the Joneses, if I allowed myself to actually stop.....and move into my inner experience....and actually.....make it ok...... to be sick? What if Being sick was PART of my path, and not some impediment to getting somewhere else? This wasn't even a concept for me at the time. But, when I started exploring zen meditation around 2009, there was some sort of realization awaiting to erupt in me.

My nights and days were filled with researching and researching in order to find the right modality to heal and get on with my life. And lord knows the internet is filled with so much information on healing, that the overwhelm one feels is almost too much to bear. Back then, there was even more confusion on the internet, because this topic was much less well known and the internet 10-12 years ago, was not what it is today. The stress of NEEDING to find the answers was a weight on my shoulders that I could not remove. I so desperately wanted to get better, because I so desperately wanted to get back to my old life....which was becoming more and more a distant dream as the years went by.

I will close myself off, when I feel the people around me, are not safe enough to share myself with, out of the primal survival fear of rejection. I've yearned to been seen, understood and just fucking accepted. I've wanted so badly to let go, surrender and just be.....me, illness, flaws and all. But, it's been so difficult because it's just never felt safe enough, to be me; to allow myself to love what's already there, as deemed by my dear nervous system which has believed that we have to keep pushing and pushing through to get somewhere else....perhaps somewhere safer. Early on, I felt too weak physically and emotionally to surrender. But, surrender was the calling home, that I so desperately longed for.

There was so much rage and sadness that was hiding within me during the early years of the illness and anger was something I dealt with for years prior to that even as well. I could not express it, because it wasn't safe to express it. It just becomes more and more internalized. I didn't feel worthy enough to share with the people who were in my life at that time period when I first got sick, the cacophony of emotions and symptoms I was dealing with. I didn't feel those people were a safe haven to allow me, to be me. I was never taught that it was safe to be me.

So, I needed to get approval from others, that it was safe to be me, before I could actually trust myself.....that it was safe to.....be me. And being me, meant.....being human and embracing everything I hated about myself, and everything I've been ashamed of about myself, instead of trying to run from it or make myself appear different....just to get love.

 But, being human is the hardest thing as I am finding out today, as it's like jumping off the cliff with your eyes closed and trusting that it's safe to dive into that unknown (the vast ocean of the body) while trusting at the same time, that it's safe to let go of the comfort of the top of the cliff (the mind and the story of who I believed I was). I'm only just beginning to learn how to be human, which I'll explain next.

Part two of this blog post to come.

Thank you for reading.

Saturday, December 30, 2017

The Insecure Ego Identity Part two

So, feeding off of part one of this two part blog post, based on my own experiences with insecurity, everything really boils down to identity. Our nervous systems are protecting the perceived sense of identity of who we believe we are. Perhaps it's safe to say that we have no identity in early childhood, and that identity is only created via our interactions with our caregivers. Because we step into this life as a clean slate of Awareness as stated, our True identity, having been blocked out (amnesia), we have an opportunity at an extremely young age, to create an identity on a completely blank canvas.

Yet, consider that we intentionally choose to create an identity that contradicts our true nature prior to coming here. "Prior" to incarnating, we choose to set challenges for ourselves which take place early in our life as a starting point, so that we have the opportunity to 'overcome' them later in life, by stepping into our true power. This is why we identify ourselves with the body/mind. The only way to lose ourselves, is to identify with limitation and survival as a gateway; as a portal to stepping into unlimited potential, which is our true, infinite, eternal nature. In other words, you couldn't find your way home, if you didn't first lose yourself. Isn't this the fun and challenge of the game?

But, let's just consider for a second, how perfect we truly are at our essence. God's true nature is utter and complete perfection, Love beyond any human comprehension, wholeness, completeness, and Oneness without an opposite. Can you possibly fathom what it would be like if part of God was not perfect, if part of god was unworthy or incomplete? The only way that would be possible, is if God itself was somehow separated into parts. There is God (perfection) and there is me (imperfection). I have already taken myself to be something separate from this seamless backdrop of all existence. This Pure Awareness which lightens our experiential play is always here, and always unchanging. But, I see myself as something other than that, because of my strong identification with the story playing in my mind, which I believe to be a true indication of an identity of someone named 'Derek'.

The idea of separation cannot exist, outside of God's own imagination; outside of OUR own imagination. Are we separate from God? Where does this separation exist outside of the narrative/story in our minds that we so strongly take to be true? There is only just THIS. What we call the Present Moment, perhaps we can say.....IS God and IS our true essence. It's the place where we are no longer identified with the streaming narrative running in our minds, but instead allowing of that story to play out on its own, and we are directly present with whatever is happening in our direct experience, including feelings/emotions and sensations in our body, without the narrative describing those sensations. 

Now imagine a world where there IS only pure and utter perfection (the Spirit World), the place we come from 'before' coming into these bodies, where the idea of 'not perfect' is something we can only dream of experiencing, and laugh about, because perfection and imperfection simply do not exist.

The idea of perfection is an implication that there could be something that is NOT perfect. But, anything other than THIS.....can only exist as a potential thought, to be experienced if we so choose to in an incarnate form. Just like unicorns and the devil are not real things that exist here on Earth, and things we can only create through our imagination (movies, books, dreams, etc) if we want to experience them as 'real', the same can be said for imperfection and incompleteness from the perspective of the non physical. The only way imperfection or incompleteness can be experienced from the non physical, is to imagine ourselves as imperfect through......physical incarnation into a human experience. As we would have to mis-identify ourselves with limitation (the mind/body) in order to actually have the real, raw experience of......not feeling like we are already complete. 

Now, imagine waking up in a human body, not knowing who you are, where you are, what you are. Only an intuitive sense of your natural, perfect state. But, that gets pushed away, in place of the desperate needs that have to be met by your caregiver, and thereafter, the beliefs you form based on the perceptions you had with those caregivers. Your experience with your caregivers shows you that you need to act a certain way in order to get their attention, approval, validation and love, and as very small children, getting that was literally, life and death.

We were completely dependent and vulnerable on getting those needs met, or else we would literally, die. Perhaps you were not attended to in the crib when you were crying and you were simply left to cry and scream which made you feel abandoned. Perhaps you had another sibling who meant competition for mom and dad's love for you which made you feel rejected and unworthy. Perhaps, you were abused emotionally, physically and/or sexually, and made to feel less then, unworthy, massive shame and simply not enough. All of these experiences led to the perceptions we had at a young age, and helped form the identity that we believed we were based on the conclusions we came to about ourselves, from these early life experiences.  

But, knowing about our true perfection, which we discussed above, now imagine how painful it would be for anything in existence to perceive itself as.....not already perfect when the truth of perfection is imprinted into the very fabric of existence. This is exactly what we do. We think we are something 'other' than perfection, because we have no recollection of our true nature. We identify with the biological human vehicle as all that we are, and create an identity for ourselves based on how we are perceived by our caregivers, how our caregivers interact with each other, and how we perceive ourselves in relation to our caregivers.

The inkling of intuition that flows through every cell in our body, tells us that we are already perfect. Therefore, to experience ourselves as not getting love, validation, approval; to experience ourselves as being in the wrong place, doing something wrong; to experience ourselves as moving away from love, falling out of alignment with the rest of the world, falling behind, would re-enforce these core beliefs of unworthiness, not enough, imperfection, not whole, and this, therefore, would re-enforce that early sense of insecurity.

For a Being of complete and utter perfection to actually believe itself to be incomplete, not good enough, unworthy; to not already feel secure in its own essence, is simply too painful for that Being to bear, because in essence, there IS only perfection which we again, intuitively sense. Because we haven't a clue of our true nature though; because we so strongly identify with the voice in our head (which is just the voice of survival from early childhood warning us of anything that can go wrong and this is the Ego), we can't allow ourselves to be vulnerable and can't allow ourselves to be exposed, open, raw, and naked. We can't allow ourselves to show weakness. It would jeopardize our entire persona, to be at risk for rejection; to be at risk for scrutiny, for criticism, which we take to be an injustice against.....our core essence. Letting our guard down would be equivalent to dying for a nervous system that is programmed to only protect our sense of 'identity'.

Therefore, it's much safer to shut it out, split off, protect itself from feeling that insecurity, that sense of unworthiness, that sense of incompleteness via ruminating in our thoughts, by trying to control our thoughts. Trying to figure things out with our minds as a form of resisting the actual painful feelings is a form of safe control for the Ego. Trying to prove that that story is not true with our minds. Trying to figure everything out with our minds, so that we avoid the feeling of 'uncertainty'. Uncertainty is death to our survival minds, because for an insecure ego, there is such little trust in life itself, that we ALWAYS want and need to feel secure. In other words, we always need to feel.......in control.

We believe so strongly again, in the story playing through our thoughts, that a single thought, if believed can initiate a cycle of immense pain, when triggered, until we finally get so tired that we have no choice, but to step out of it and surrender.

We believe a thought so strongly that we will do anything to avoid thinking that thought, because the thought re-enforces the core emotional pain stemming from some sort of belief about ourselves that we are too afraid to face, because once again, we think the fear is an indication that there is actually something wrong with the core essence of who we really are.

Or instead, we might believe a worrisome thought which is projecting the worst case scenario on a particular situation we are involved with that has nothing to do with how we are perceived by others. Our thoughts are always based in negativity, because our brains have an evolutionary negativity bias built in as a form of protection from predators. We are literally wired for protection. But, the more we resist those early childhood beliefs and emotions, the more ingrained those beliefs become, and the more our brains will operate from that place of that 'scared child'. Therefore certain situations will simply re-enforce that early childhood insecurity and we will feel like we just want to feel.......safe, secure and loved in that particular moment. As cliche as it is, what we resist with our beliefs, truly does persist.

When we are so identified in our heads, in those thoughts, we actually bypass and suppress what is actually happening. And what is actually happening, is the direct emotional experience in our bodies.

Since childhood, we pushed those emotions away, because we feared what they represented. We simply did not trust in our true nature enough to let go into our direct embodied experience. It was simply not safe enough.

So, in essence, we are too afraid to face some of our thoughts and too afraid to feel those direct feelings in our bodies, not so much because the sensations themselves are dangerous, or the thoughts themselves are dangerous, but because ultimately, we are too afraid of letting go of focusing on the thoughts, which would equate to..... letting go of control and opening ourselves up into full vulnerability and trust.

What if I could fully accept that this person is rejecting me? What if this other person IS moving ahead with their lives, and I am still struggling. What an act of love to honor what I am actually feeling, rather than suppressing that, pushing it away, in order to make myself feel and appear more 'on the same level as they are' to once again appear 'secure'. What if I can fully accept that the situation I am 'stuck in' right now sucks. Can I let go of control, and surrender enough to trust that the answer WILL indeed come when I am no longer resisting through ruminating?

The other option is surrender and fully letting go of control. That would mean we can, through an act of full vulnerability and trust, take our attention away from that movie playing in our minds, and move into that feeling of unworthiness directly in the body, and see first hand, if it really is true.

To allow our thoughts to go by without indulging in them, often feels like death to us, because the ego has no choice, but to surrender control to the higher consciousness (who we really are). But, the Ego doesn't believe in a higher consciousness. It believes this body/mind is all we are.

If I don't entertain or worry about that thought, then I might die. This is exactly what our nervous systems do. Our nervous systems don't know the difference between who we really are, and who we believe we are. We are the ones that dictate that once again at an early age, unconsciously of course.

So, as we can see, we go from creating an identity based in limitation, survival and fear, to the point where the walls start to break down and the cracks of light start to shine through as the pain of living a lie is too much for us and we have simply no choice, but to surrender into the full vulnerability of our Higher Self, and allow the ego to gradually die, or else, true death itself.

"When at last there is nothing left to lose, you are ready. For only then, in the sacred space of humility, are you able to recognize and embrace what has never been lost. It is only when you are convinced that you are hopelessly lost - when you simply do not know where to turn - that you turn within, and the real journey begins.

~ Rasha"

Monday, December 25, 2017

The Insecure Ego identity Part One

The Ego can be defined in a number of different ways. This blog piece and the follow up, will be focused on the insecure ego, which is what I have experienced through most of my life. So, this is more of an open sharing of my own experiences and what I have learned on my own (thus far), and through my research with the nervous system. The insecure ego encompasses anyone who grew up feeling 'not good enough OR an extreme sense of superiority'. They are both part of the same mechanism, but merely manifest differently.

My view, for now, on this matter, is as follows and it's only my own perspective once again and there's a lot I still have to learn about this.

Basically, we (I AM) come into this life as a clean slate. We essentially don’t remember anything about our initial true identity as Pure Spirit (I AM), because we purposely choose to have amnesia to block out the memory of our true identity, when we made the choice to incarnate here, in order to have (what feels like) a real, physical experience here. 


The biological survival organism is set up to protect the body from life and death. Hence the survival aspect. The Autonomic Nervous System serves multiple functions. One is survival. The survival aspect consists of the Fight/Flight (Sympathetic) and Freeze (Over Parasympathetic-Dorsal Vagal in regards to the Vagus Nerve), while Ventral Vagal is the social engagement or the calming effect of the Parasympathetic Branch. It is supposed to keep us safe from wild predators and any immediate, imminent threat to the actual safety of our biological mechanism. Literal.....life and death. We could not have a real life physical experience here on Earth without a functioning survival aspect of our nervous systems. In other words, its job is to keep us alive in the virtual reality game. 


So, we come into this life, incarnate into the live fetus, not a clue who we truly are. Just a blank slate of Awareness. We feel we are one with our mothers since we are connected in the womb. It’s the closest feeling of unconditional love we can have, while experiencing in a physical body. Then, our first experience of separation happens. We realize perhaps that we are separate from mom. She is one entity, and I am another, which is quite a shock to our very young, sensitive nervous systems. I AM....this biological body/mind vehicle. My mother is another biological/body mind vehicle. 


Whether this happens in the womb or after birth, it matters not. It’s a shock to us, because we have an inkling of intuition that KNOWS that unconditional love is already our nature, but can't fully grasp this. Love is the essence of our true identity. It's a feeling. We already are....."All That Is". So, anything that feels like "not love" already feels 'off', and I would suggest, this is an intentional by design, aspect of our internal guidance system. 

But, somehow, we can’t remember that and feel separate and alone. And the idea that we are separate seems, well, painful to us. We completely identify ourselves with the biological human body. We "mistakenly" think we ARE this body/mind and ONLY this body/mind. I AM.....becomes......I AM this body. So, our nervous systems which are primed for survival of the body/mind vehicle, already take note of this identification. 


Then, through our experiences with our caregivers as little ones, we realize we are completely vulnerable and dependent on our caregivers to get our needs met. If our needs are met in the fashion closest to unconditional secure love (remember, this is who we really are), we will feel mostly secure.


 If our needs are not met in the ways we needed; or if we were abused; or if we simply PERCEIVED that we were not lovable or good enough, or complete, or/and we could have also inferred subconscious programs in the womb from our mothers (which scientists like Bruce Lipton are now reporting), our identity is then created through the core belief that we are 'incomplete' or 'unworthy'. We take this to be a true core essence of who we are. This leads to massive insecurity (I know from experience). 

Already believing  our identity as "I AM....this body", this identity expands to now take on the new essence of these new core beliefs, such as (incompleteness, unworthiness, not good enough, etc). I AM....incomplete. 

 Our nervous system already priming the I AM for protecting, believing it IS only this body/mind, now puts our amygdala on alert for any perceived threat that reinforces this core belief of 'incompleteness' or 'unworthiness'. Remember, the survival aspect of our nervous system's job is to protect the "identity" of the body/mind vehicle from dying. Literally. Wild predators, an oncoming bus, etc. So it IS doing its job. But, because We (As Pure Spirit) have "mistakenly" identified ourselves AS these body/minds (and this is all intentional from a larger perspective which I will expand on in part two), our nervous systems are now programmed to protect anything associated with "I AM". 


So, it's not only the body/mind that it is protecting from actual physical death, but the newly created identity (the false self, the ego) based on the core beliefs we have taken on. This belief gets reinforced over time as all beliefs do when they are not seen through. We don't question it and believe we ARE it. I AM....Derek and Derek is incomplete. Therefore, anything that might re-enforce the feeling that 'Derek is incomplete' will be looked at as a threat to survival. 

As time goes by, this becomes our new comfort set point which feels painful to change (see Dr. Joe Dispenza's work). Our nervous system builds up this persona, mask, armor to defend us and protect us from anything that could re-enforce these core beliefs, because the core beliefs are thought to be true, and taken to be the core essence of our actual identity as separate people. 


Ultimately, the beliefs are always based in separation, because that's how the identity we created with the body/mind vehicle began. However, they just manifest uniquely for each of us depending on the initial experience where the belief was formed, and our own unique life experiences. So, they are ultimately protecting us from the true vulnerability of our actual nature, from actual trust, from actual love. 

Any attempt to go out of this comfort zone, feels like death to ourselves, because our nervous systems are wired to protect us from (what it believes as).....dying. Most of our core beliefs involve on some level, the belief that we need approval and love outside of ourselves from other people, because we never really understood our true identity when we were babies, and never really had a secure base to claim our identity. Our identity was created through our interaction and attunement again, with our caregivers. So, if we feel unworthy, rejection would feel like death. 


Remember again, the nervous system is just doing its job. Its job, again, is to protect the body mind from death. But, because the essential nature of the body mind has now been "mistakenly" expanded to include "I AM' (in other words, our true Spirit nature), anything associated with "I AM", is going to be protected. And since the core beliefs are taken to actually be our true essence; our true identity, the nervous system is protecting us from feeling the pain of having those initial core beliefs reinforced. It would be inconceivably painful to actually experience....."we are not good enough, unworthy". 

So, the ego mask tries to hold it all together to appear....."secure" when underneath that armor, there is simply an incredibly scared, insecure little child who feels weak, vulnerable and wants to feel loved and safe and secure, longs to feel 'his home nature'. 

We can say that other animals on Earth don't have these core beliefs, because when they experience trauma, they shake it off. Humans on the other hand tend to often shut down around trauma, around painful experiences and split off, to create a false identity to avoid feeling the initial pain. Plus, humans have the capacity to be self aware unlike many other animals. It's an incredibly smart, survival tactic that serves us early in our lives when we have young sensitive nervous systems, but does not serve us later in life, when those same issues continue to re-surface time and time again. Believing this is who we are, we perpetually identify with the thoughts that are coming out of the survival mind. This perpetual identification is how the Ego is formed. More on this in part two.......


*This post has been updated with some new information on the nervous system, from the time I initially wrote it. 

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Always Right

This ship's off course
Been led astray
That pot of gold
So far away

Mistakes abound
I cannot breathe
For every blunder
I'm left to seethe

The tide is strong
I'm falling down
I've lost my way
I'll surely drown

All contact gone
I cringe and fight
I am all alone
without a light

This earthy goal
I strive to fill
I must push forward
with all my will

Away I drift
so far from home
into darkness
The ship will roam 

Perfect I must
for if I fail
I'm left to ponder 
that ship that sailed

Yet, sail it will
and sail it must
as the wind blows out
with a mighty gust

The hours fly
It's half passed three
This current pulls me
Out to sea

The time has come
To say goodbye
This fight is over
It's time to die

I stand up tall
I open wide
It's yours God now
At least I tried

A thump so loud
The ship is rocked
I look way down
The ship is docked

I've made it home
I'm here alive
That pot of gold
I have arrived

So what is failure?
If not a dream
Just a detour
of a different stream

Perhaps the same
for life itself
for every road
leads to Ourself

Little poem I wrote tonight about 'feeling off course' in life. You can never get it wrong as all paths lead home one way or another. 

Sunday, May 7, 2017

So the story goes......

I recently read "Home with God" from Neale Donald Walsch and I have to say that the book to me had a lot of really interesting aspects. There were a couple of things here and there which did not resonate in the book, but largely the view is a beautiful one. I do recommend the book. I read 75 percent of it in one day. Just ate it up (not literally, as that would only compound my already existing GI issues by consuming that much paper and print....).

"The closer you get to the meaning
The sooner you'll know that you're dreaming"

Lyrics above by Ronnie James Dio and Black Sabbath. The power of getting lost within the story to realize you'd been dreaming......is the thrill of experiencing yourself as 'not yourself'; the thrill of believing you are 'powerless', and without choice, to the empowering realization that you have always had a choice to align with love or fear; to wake up to who you really are and realize everything was always ok. Even the word 'perfection' implies that there is something else that is imperfect. There only ever was....this flow of unconditional love, this flow of peace and well being. It is our choice to align with that flow or resist it. Ultimately, that's the crux of the game of life.

We take this life so seriously and so real. The fundamental belief that "life is scary" stems from a belief in "I am separate". I fall victim to the character of "Derek" and and all of his apparent worries, insecurities, doubts and anxieties by believing that story could ever possibly be.....real. Everything in this story seems so real, so serious, and so urgent as if my entire sense of self worth, depended on its survival. That story when believed as a child, then becomes the face/persona/identity of who I believe myself to be. That story then sets the stage for my subconscious mind to be on alert for anything that could possibly cause harm to that sense of identity in which this story creates. After all, the identity we believe we are, is simply based in a story we have taken to be true. It's life and death to my nervous system.

What happens when I believe myself to be the character itself within the story? Let's look at a hypothetical break down of our views on reality. Life gets really serious and real when I believe this thought that "I am the character in the story". Pressure builds. Real danger can actually happen. Dear god, I can actually be harmed! Life is this unloving, savage place of competition. There is no love here. It's every woman/man for themselves. If I don't make things happen, if I don't gain control of the external world, then I will fall behind, I will struggle, I will not be loved, and the Universe will eat me up and spit me out and leave me there . I will be putting myself at risk for something bad to happen if I allow myself to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is death to the ego. Of course vulnerability comes in various forms. I need to control life to make sure I am safe!  The reality 'out there', needs to fit this criteria of control that this ego believes it needs to have, to a tee in order to ensure that it is loved, happy, content and safe. Happiness after all, can only come from the feelings of safety. And I can only feel safe when I know my external circumstances are perfect enough to meet the criteria for safety that my subconscious has established based on the beliefs we have taken on in childhood. Lots of constriction, tension, resistance in my body. So much pressure!

Now, perhaps there is a squeak of light that says.....well.....maybe I AM more than just this body. Maybe there is an after life. Maybe I am eternal! Incredible!....but....I still need to earn my way through this life and get things "right" in this 'classroom' called Earth, or else.....I will have to come back again and again, and again, until I do indeed, get things "right" and earn the grades to progress higher in my advancement. Well, that is wonderful that I am eternal. Now, I know I am more than just this bag of bones and tissue. Whew! That's a relief! Yet, something still feels off. I mean, being eternal is awesome, but if I am in a classroom, that means, I still need to get things "right" in this life in order to earn my place in the after life! More constriction, resistance, tension in my body. More pressure! After all, how can I let go and surrender in this life, if I 'need to get things right'? There is always this pressure of needing to do things "right" and be on the "right path". The idea that I can actually not be on the right path and actually get things "wrong" implies that.....well......things are NOT ok right now and also implies that I am not....indeed....already....perfect. My heart is telling me that I am already perfect. But, how could I be perfect? I mean, if I am already perfect, then why would I have to get things "right"? And who or what is outside of myself that would even determine if things are "right" or not?

An even greater glimpse of light appears. Moving towards this light feels so immensely peaceful and loving and full of ease. A wave of insight comes through. Could this be my heart talking to me? What it's saying seems too simple. Nah. This can't be true. Well....let's consider it for a second, just for the hell of it. Perhaps none of the above was true.....ever. What if, I'm already perfect. If I am already perfect, then there is no right or wrong. And if I can't get things wrong, then how are my being graded in this classroom called Earth? After all, a classroom is indicative of grades and grades are indicative of 'right/wrong'. So, if I am not being graded, then what am I here to learn? Could it be that I am not here to learn anything? hmmm. My goodness, could it be that I am already complete and utter perfection and I have never left this 'perfection'? Could it be that I have nothing to prove, progress to, or achieve, but simply BE myself to the best of my ability for this temporary blip of time on this planet we call life? Could it be that I am only here in this physical body in order to create myself, express myself and most of experience myself, in which ever way I so choose in order to add to the infinite expansion of 'All That Is"(through love or through fear) and either way, it matters not ultimately because "All That Is" always expands with any type of experience, regardless of the 'outcome' of the experience? Could it be that I am literally creating my entire life experience including matching up with all of the versions of reality that correlate best with my own vibration? Could life simply be that simple? It feels so damn right in my body. My body is telling me that....yes.....it is this simple. But, my mind, society, even various new age teachings tell me that there has to be more and it has to be more complex. Life has to be more difficult. Hard work is the only way I was taught. I have to earn my way towards self worth.

This was a very generic overview of what happens when we deconstruct the stories we believe that don't resonate with the core of our being. I had multiple phone discussions with NDE'r Rich Kelley (Life is a Stage Play) and he informed me that life really IS this simple and we are all here as creators and here to learn nothing as there IS nothing that we don't already know. We are here simply to experience all that we know. This is also confirmed in Conversations with God, and many other NDE's.

I have been learning to use my body an awful lot with discerning information I receive from reading various material, be it spiritual or health related or other stuff. There is this innate knowing intuitively within my heart that I (and many of us collectively) have attached to many fear based beliefs about life, simply out of a desperate lack of trust and fear that I will never "become whole" again. We ALL feel so greatly disconnected here on this planet.....disconnected from who we truly are, and that disconnection will manifest in so many ways for each of us uniquely. But, the intuition that comes strikingly through my body in the form of immense peace, clarity and the thoughts of "Of course!" (compared with the perspective of believing in that story above which brings immense restriction and tension and stress), is that.........we all have simply forgotten that there never was anything to fear in the first place. FEAR is an illusion. The only thing that is real is the utter......experience of fear. An acronym for fear that a friend of mine provided: Forgetting Everything's All Right.

The ultimate realization.........we never left anywhere. We already are whatever it is, we believe we are seeking, advancing to or progressing to. We already are God itself, expressing and experiencing itself through an infinite number of realities. This simple belief (which is often enforced in much New Age literature) that we have to strive for some sort of spiritual advancement or progress can really re-enforce feelings of incompleteness within ourselves. Self love is the eternal way home..... meaning.....radically accepting exactly where we are in life and fully loving every aspect of where we are, because there is no race or competition to get somewhere else. Radically loving yourself darkness and all, means you are no longer resisting "who you are" and fully accepting all parts of yourself by allowing them to be. And not only that, you are actually communicating to the Universe that you ARE a creator and that you trust that the Universe is fully supporting you and that it IS indeed, safe to let go, and vulnerably allow yourself to be enveloped by life itself. OR, you can create from the old subconscious patterns of fear. Let's put it this way, whatever we focus on, grows. We spend our lives believing and living out the same old subconscious patterns and THIS becomes the predominant reality we experience. To realize that this reality was only one possible potential, means that you can create anything. Of course this does not involve changing or fixing our subconscious patterns as so many therapies attempt to do, but instead, realizing and perhaps the most profound aspect of all spirituality..........you can't fix a story, but you can realize that you never were that story. 

We forget the beauty of  approaching life from a place of 'curiosity' in the complete and utter perfection of the present moment, like a child, and instead put so much pressure on ourselves to fight our way to some never existing destination that will only fulfill us temporarily. Manifestation is happening whether we are conscious of it or not. Yet, there is a such a seeming paradox that manifesting from a place of the heart only works, when you are in a state of surrender, appreciation and gratitude, rather than trying to push, control and force the manifestation process. But, TRUST is the gateway to the heart of God. Trusting.....in who you really are as a confident, powerful God, vs. trying to 'make things happen' out of a belief in lack, worry, doubt is where miracles happen. It is this divine, childlike love that allows in all that is a match to that vibration of Love. This is our true nature.

Fear is truly believing that something bad can actually happen to us and buying into that story our subconscious has played for so long. The idea that anything in existence can ever truly harm who I really am, to the point where my life depended so much on whether the external environment conformed to my liking would only take place when I have bought into the belief that I am REALLY separate. If I really believe myself to be separate, then dear god, life really IS scary. If I don't worry about this, and this and this and this .....what ever will happen? If I don't pay attention to this thought of worry, then how will this situation be rectified? There is a complete void of trust, in our survival stories, a lack of trust that well being, that love is already who I am, that letting go vulnerably into the openness of life, can only bring me what I truly want and need in any moment. Sure, what might manifest in my experience, might not be what the ego wants, but the greater part of me, that over sees everything (call it the Higher Self, the Over Soul, etc) knows exactly which path is right for me. Love is already the structure of everything.

But, who or what is it that wants so badly to control the external reality to conform it to its own version of 'safety'? Who is it that feels it needs to worry about this thought and that thought? It's nothing more than a story that our survival mechanism or....ego has created throughout our lives. Our subconscious mind has taken on so many limiting beliefs since we were children, which has created an entire reality for ourselves which seems incredibly objective, solid and real. But, it's all a construction of our own beliefs. It's just one potential reality. Some have been fed to us by our parents, care takers and others around us, while others are simply how our survival brains have filtered the world at a young age.

Of course, it served its purpose initially in living a life of feeling powerless, unworthy and feeling like we never had a choice. That is, until we can become aware enough to see that the initial limited reality we took as a truth is merely constrictive, limiting and leaves us feeling powerless, at the mercy of a cruel world 'out there'. Our reality is a construct of our beliefs. Life is a game. The purpose as I see it, is to first experience yourself as NOT yourself. To experience yourself as choice less, powerless, separate, at the mercy of the world, in order to try to find our way home amidst opposing energies. Taking on this initial limiting belief sets the stage and gives off the rocket of desire (in the words of Abraham) for us to experience something more aligned with who we truly are. If there is no such thing as FEAR, other than the pure experience of it (which is very very real), then how could I ever have believed myself to be the doll in the dollhouse, to believe myself to be the action figure on the board game, to believe myself to be the face on the screen and not seen how I was the creator of the doll house, the creator of the board game, the movie projector itself all along?

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

For the First time

I haven't really written in this blog for quite some time and it's probably been almost two years since I shared this blog publicly on face book. I went through a period of confusion in my life and I didn't have a whole lot to share until recently. My older posts are a bit less resonant with where I am at now. Lately I have felt compelled to share my own perspective based on my recent experiences. So, here I am.

I've been working with a neuroplasticity based program to help me through chronic fatigue syndrome. I really don't know what will happen since I've been on the program for only three plus weeks now. Yet, I am seeing incredible things already in this short time. I've come to understand this entire premise on such a larger level that affects so much more than this physical body of mine. So, I want to talk here today about illness, contrast, duality, positive thinking, creation, and consciousness and how all of it plays together in our lives and how victim hood is so vastly mis-understood. There is no victim nor was there ever.

Have you versed the spiritual landscape recently? Have you seen what's out there within the new age sector? Have you encountered the vast array of fear based perspectives from every possible point of perception of the wild imaginative human mind? How does it all make you feel? Does it make you feel like pulling your hair out of your head?

Well, that's ok. You're not alone. The incessant splatter of self improvement teachings and spiritual "ascension" teachings and notions of enlightenment, are enough to make any person feel as though they are insignificant and lacking. A year ago, my interest had exploded in so many different areas. I explored past life regression and reincarnation and many other areas of spirituality, and they all served wonderful pointers on my path, until I finally realized that most of it no longer resonated with where I am at now.

There's literally only one thing in my life that matters more than anything right now. One thing. And that one thing is......JOY. Finding anything in my life that brings me JOY. There are so many guidance tools while we are here to let us know if we are on the path of alignment or not alignment. It is when we are truly feeling this incredible deep, profound sense of Joy that we know we are living life from an authentic place of who we truly are. When we are unhappy, miserable, joy less, it's a sign that we are living life based on the story we have created through our thought patterns, in other words.....living in time.

For so long, I believed that finding joy would be brought to me when I evolved to a certain spiritual status beyond this "primitive state" I am currently experiencing at. I believed it was outside of myself through some spiritual force running through the universe. I saw all of the flaws within myself as something that needed healing and improving.  My body being out of whack was a sign that I had not evolved to a high enough spiritual state in order to overcome this. I was a victim. Trying to piece together how one thing related to the next thing. Trying to comprehend and analyze those incessant thoughts playing over and over and over in my mind. This same story played like a record in a circular motion, that was so hypnotizing, so gravitational in its pulling, like a black hole sucking me in, that anything beyond that record player seemed incomprehensible and nonsensical and scary. Each thought played out unconsciously with a strong emotional charge triggering my nervous system and in turn keeping my body in anything but a homeostatic state. I was believing a false story that I had literally created through years of my life, and this story was manifesting as illness in my body and externally as well.

Folks, we have no idea how powerful we are with our thoughts and beliefs and simple statements such as 'I CAN AND I WILL' contrasted with "I CAN'T AND I WON'T'. Two simple statements, yet with the weight of our entire lives settling between and underneath both of them. Whichever one we believe, will ultimately manifest in our lives. The teachings on law of attraction are so vastly mis-understood because of the generic premise that often undermine the basis, and many people simply interpret it to mean "If I think it, it will come". No, that's not how the law of attraction works. The law of attraction is operating every second of our lives. But, it is all based on beliefs. Our thought patterns are called "patterns" for a reason. They are the same habitual thoughts playing out in our experiences because we've thought them so many times, we have now taken them to be true. This is what beliefs are. Every belief we hold on to, carries a vibration relative to it. This vibration plays out incessantly in our experience. Every one of us, has a unique vibration that we enter into life with. That is the vibration of our natural Spirit. Yet, that vibration gets changed constantly throughout our lives here on Planet Earth when we take on beliefs that are not resonant with who we truly are.

We are not human beings trapped in a world of victim hood. Nor are we here on this planet because we are cycling through some nonsensical, incomprehensible outside forced cycle of reincarnation.

In my own view, and only my own view, we are powerful creators who choose to come here out of love. Love for experiencing this vast landscape of Planet Earth through the lens of consciousness and nothing other than consciousness. Love for the opportunity to create something new. Every experience contributes to our eternal, infinite expansion. What is expansion? Expansion is not a hierarchical process of evolution. Within the mind of a child, there is always an opportunity for another game to be created, if the child gets bored with the initial game. Therefore, there are endless and infinite games, this child can potentially create with her own imagination. Just the same with Source, there is infinite terrain to explore within the mind of imagination. There are endless perspectives to explore. Each perspective offers a different viewpoint for Source to explore itself and create. Therefore, each perspective contributes to the infinite, eternal expansion of this Pure Awareness. Expansion is endless, because creation and exploration is endless. How it could not be in a reality built on imagination?

If we stopped each day and became aware incessantly of our thought patterns through meditation and/or through constant mindfulness throughout the day as though our lives depended on it, and really came to see what thoughts and beliefs we were holding on to, we would come to see something truly remarkable. We would come to connect with this vast Space of Being and we would see that our thoughts are playing out like a story over and over and over again within this space of Awareness, and the reason they are playing out that way, is because we have come to identify with them as "who we truly are" and therefore we continue to give them power as truth. We have allowed those thoughts to become ingrained in our brains as neural pathways and as the dominant vibration we are projecting in our every day realities. None of it and I mean none if it is true as I have come to see in my own life.

Who are we then when all of the stories continue to fall away?

There is only one "thing" that is left over and that is this Existence itself. Not even "I AM", but simply 'AMness". The 'I' is a unique perspective of this AMness, but this AMness is all there is. It is pure, divine, all encompassing, all allowing Space and is what we were, are, and always will be regardless of how lost we find ourselves within the story of our minds. There is only utter perfection in this vast space of Being. Completeness, wholeness, needing nothing other than to Be as it already is, beautifully, divinely and lovingly as its nature.

This AMness is merely creating this entire landscape through its own imagination infinitely over and over and over again through an infinite cycle of life and death and an infinite number of perspectives in order that it can create something. Creation is the nature of expression. Awareness can do nothing other than simply BE. Yet, through the mind of imagination, Awareness can become "something" and as well, anything it so chooses. And therefore, it imagines itself to be a separate character with its own free will to create anything it so chooses. Reality is ultimately an empty canvas of consciousness until, we (the perspectives/characters of this one awareness) create this reality through own desires. We are those characters within the mind of this one Awareness that has been given full free will to create life as we choose. Yet, if we go deeper into our experience, we come to see that we are also this vast Pure Awareness as well at our core. There is really nothing more to life than simply exploration, through experiential creation....infinitely. Folks, WE are the ones who give life meaning. It is through our own belief systems, where we manifest reality. Life is simply a play of imagination; an empty canvas until, we as the artists, create something beautiful, and we are free to dream up any reality we so choose. Reality is like a piece of plastic, just like our brains. Nothing is solid, and objective. But, all malleable to our own beliefs.

 If we understand the context of what contrast truly is, we could have a greater grasp at what reality is and a greater understanding as to how to live life from a place of joy. The duality of physical life brings with it contrast. Contrast is the spring board of experience for our own desires. We could not possibly experience anything without the birth of a desire and also without the experience of the opposite. Traumatic experiences and chronic illness as difficult as they are to assimilate from our limited human perspectives have such a vastly different understanding from the higher perspective of the soul and the Higher Self than the limited perspective of the human left brain which always believes itself to be separate from everything else and therefore sees itself as a victim and sees life happening TO it and is incredibly resistant to experiences that don't 'feel good'. Of course, the limited human mind, does not realize that we, ourselves, are literally creating reality. Every experience we come to have here on on this planet is always an opportunity to experience our true nature through the limited vehicle of human life, and create something beautiful from that conscious place of joy. Life itself with its contrast are the spring boards of desire for us to experience the direct contrast that will enable us to live out this desire through our creative exploratory potential. However, this only happens, when we can become conscious enough of our thought patterns where we realize we don't have to EVER align with a negative thought again or believe a negative thought. We literally never ever have to indulge in those negative thinking patterns if we choose not to, if we can become aware enough to see that all thoughts are just thoughts and nothing more. And when we can start to do that, we can actually change the cellular and genetic structures of our bodies.

Our human animal or survival mechanism is not supposed to control us (although it thrives on control and hates to lose control). We, are the conscious experiencers who, through our own ability to connect with that deeper space of Awareness, can always take the reins of these human vehicles and literally change the entire cellular and genetic structures of these bodies (epigenetics) through our own powerful thoughts and beliefs.

Positivity is the nature of Source Awareness. Positive thinking is mis-understood in pop spiritual teachings. Many teach that negative thinking is wrong or bad and that we should only think positively. Granted, positivity has proven itself enough health wise, where there is no question the incredible impact it has on our lives. The reason it has this impact on our lives when used properly is because the true nature of Source is always unconditionally loving. However, there is no negative aspect of our experience either in reality.

Negative thoughts/illness/ negative emotions are beautiful intended experiences as they are the contrasting tools that we use to find our way "home". Without contrast, we could never experientially know ourselves in the same way, we know ourselves as simply Light itself. Light only knows Light, because Light is all there is. Yet, Light contrasted with darkness brings an entirely new dimension of experiential knowing for this Light. It experiences itself as something perceived to be "not itself" in order for it to create "something", when in reality that "something" is just a figment of imagination as there is nothing but, pure Light or Awareness in reality. Everything within that Light is just a creation of its own mind. But, that aside, Light cannot create within only Light. Light needs something other than Light to create a perceived "other". Darkness is that contrast that offsets Light and offers it the greater opportunity to explore itself in an entirely different type of way and create something beautiful from there. And most of all, offers the Light to allow its true nature (as Light) to shine through within the darkness in any opportunity and any experience. It's just a game that Light plays with itself. Not because it needs to grow, not because it needs to learn. These are simply human ideas we add on. Light is already perfect and whole as it is. Look within yourself and dis-identify from your thoughts and find an imperfection. Anything you come up with.....is just another thought. Light simply does this perhaps because Light is curious about what it might be like to be something OTHER than Light for an imagined temporary blip of 'time'.

So, when you are so consumed with negativity, you don't realize you are not the darkness itself and therefore, any idea of "choice" seems lost. But, this is part of the game. Even a negative thought is simply another opportunity for us to embrace lovingly those scared, fearful aspects of our inner child (the ego mechanism), holding it like a child, rocking it softly and soothing it, and understanding most of all, where those negative thoughts stem from without actually going into those thought create realities, and understanding that they only stem from a survival mechanism always looking out for our best interests, a survival mechanism that is pertinent to our physical existence. This is how we let the Light in. And yet at the same time, you'll notice, those thoughts always stem from fear. It's the human mind mechanism of trying to control, afraid of losing control, afraid of being insignificant, always feeling lack. This is simply the human animal mind. But, we are not that. We have taken on this persona by believing these thoughts for so long, instead of waking up from this mass dream of consciousness and taking control of our lives by realizing, so powerfully and in such a liberating way, that we don't have to live that life anymore!

My own illness through chronic fatigue has allowed me to see that self love was the greatest aspect of my experience that was lacking and a potential greater theme as to why I got sick in the first place. I omitted that inner pain and did anything to get away from it, because I saw it as something 'wrong' and "the enemy". Yet, I didn't see its value in allowing me to create this life I am currently living. There is no enemy. All negativity is an opportunity to embrace a different point of view. Understand, when I say embrace pain, I don't mean indulge in negative thinking patterns, but instead, lovingly approach those thoughts from an understanding place, from a place of a nurturing mother. Embrace those feelings within the body without putting attention on to the thought pathways.

 Now, when negative thoughts come up, I am learning more and more to accept them and love them, but most of all, not indulge in them. It's a hard process for me for sure, but I have never been as dedicated to this as I am right now. My physical life here is constantly changing from something I once deemed as "impossible" to something I now view as "inevitable" in a good way through constantly becoming aware of my thought patterns, breaking thought patterns that are based in fear, separation and lack, and lovingly accepting them, and aligning with new patterns that are more aligned with my true nature......which is always joy and positivity. I have and will once again get consumed within the story, but I know it will be less and less. I see no reason to live any more of my life from any other place than a place of joy. I am staying further and further away from material that brings fear into my life and that doesn't align with me and sticking to material that empowers me and resonates to the core of my Being.

Our true nature is this space of Pure Awareness. Within this space anything is possible. It is entirely up to us to create the best reality we choose for as long as we are here in this temporary blip of a human life. You are literally not here to do anything other than create a life that brings you joy. Any other teaching that claims otherwise is based in its own conceptual deception and belief system. You are perfect, beautiful and whole already. Simply allow yourself to realize that! So, why not make your life into something wonderful? That's all we need to do while we are here.

And yet through all of this, there is a background space that is unchanged and never will change. This is the ground of being. This is who I truly am. This is the space in which this entire dream is taking place. The space within which the apparent free will of this apparent separate entity takes place. I am the soul who is creating this reality and making choices, and yet, I am the space of awareness through which this creation is taking place as well which makes no choices, but to simply allow with love. It all starts with realizing......everything is always.....OK. When you make it ok.....you realize there is nothing that is not ok.

The further and further away from the story I get, the more I realize how life looks completely different as I look to create an entirely new story for the rest of my physical life here. When I step out of those thought patterns, it's as if I am experiencing who I truly am..........for the first time.

Saturday, April 2, 2016

Letting Go and Pressure

The title of this post is kind of lame as I could not think of anything better to label it. My entire perspective has shifted so drastically since I first started this blog. I actually went back and deleted some of my older posts because they just no longer resonated with me on any level.

So much has been happening in my life since the last time I posted here. I've had a very difficult winter dealing with chronic fatigue and other health issues and it's been very stressful for me in trying to come to terms with all of this, understand the meaning behind it, understand how to address it, and understand how to incorporate it into my life going forward.

Interestingly, the past couple of weeks I have been dealing with passing a kidney stone. I had an 8-10 mm stone that was trapped in my ureter. It was THE......and let me repeat that THE most intense, worst, god awful pain I have EVER experienced in my life. I thought I might be dying. I was alone in my apartment. It was a Sunday night. My parents were on vacation on a cruise. I had to call 911 which I've never done before.

Earlier that day, I was walking around a hardware store and my chronic fatigue came back and started stressing me out again. Later that night, I was in the ER, doped on pain meds and I didn't give a flying fuck whether or not I was going to be able to work the next week nor did I give a flying fuck about my chronic fatigue. It was like the kidney stone attack provided me with a temporary reprieve from obsessing over my other health symptoms (pain meds helped). The next few days, I granted myself permission to lie in bed on pain meds and just watch TV. I took off the whole week from work (I had no choice being in such intense pain and doped up on pain meds) and it's interesting. When you finally give yourself permission to let go, surrender and accept the position you are in, everything else falls away.

Ever get really sick with a flu or bad cold? All you can do is rest and just let go. You don't obsess over being sick, because you know that it will pass. I knew this too with the kidney stone. Perhaps the pain meds helped a bit too, but it was a really cool process for me to just allow myself to simply let go. Letting go is the first step towards acceptance of anything in life.

Now while I am still trying to pass the small remnants of the stone, I am no longer in that "surrender mode" and I am again focused on my health going forward and I feel some stress creeping up again. It's almost like the pressure was off of me for about a week and now pressure creeps back in. Pressure has been the focal point of my life since I was a child and it stems from many many sources.

I have MUCH more to write about in regards to neuroplasticity, epi genetics and consciousness in the near future, so stay tuned......

Being Human-Part One-My Story

I've been thinking about what I want this blog to be about going forward, if I'm even going to keep it. I initially created it to sh...