Longing for Fire

All I Am held down inside

All I Am was hidden

The echoing fear of what I'd find

if all would be forgiven

Thoughts arising of what they'd think

If this child's shell would break

An explosive Love so on the brink

A Love to soothe all aches

My skin so crawling with desire

My outsides wearing thin

The appearance just a mere attire

of a Light that burns within

So pale and cold, I wandered through

So destitute of Love

When oh when would I break on through

to the truth I am Above?

I wandered through this plastic wasteland

a comfort zone of pride

A plethora of changing masks

to hide all that I was inside 

This burning Love I long to show

to all I within my stride

Oh how oh how could they ever know?

if I'm hidden by my pride

I search and search to only fail

I'm bounded by my mind

This fire burns to no avail

oh Heaven where do I find?

Suddenly, the light appears

all appears so Bright

this Love I Am shines oh so clear

all held within this Light

The walls of fear come falling down

The walls that held me back

All the chains that kept me bound

That all expressed such Lack

This Burning flows so mightily

I Am here for all to see

All that's left is authenticity 

I finally found the key

All of me, I share with you

This fire expressed within

to be all I AM all the way through

Love is where it all Begins.

A poem I wrote about my awakening process which is still on-going. 

With Love

My Meditation

I've had some stress on and off over the past few months over noise in my apartment. My downstairs neighbor's TV is heard at random times in my living room. I live on the top floor of a six story apartment building. The walls are shit here, which means I can hear my down stairs neighbor when he coughs and he can hear me when I fart. While it does not keep me up at night (his TV that is), I find it irritating that I have to listen to his TV in my living room. When I'm sitting in my living room trying to meditate, or relax, it's very distracting to have to listen to the rumblings and mumbling of his TV. Part of the problem I find is the acoustics of the apartment are terrible. So, I don't know what can actually be done other than putting my AC for now and blocking it out.

So, I decided to go outside. It's a beautiful evening. Gorgeous sunset outside and there is quite a lovely breeze and some humidity. Very summery feel to the evening. I sense tension in my abdomen at the thought of having to go back upstairs to my apartment and listen to my neighbor's TV.

I sit on the park bench and face traffic intentionally to put myself in a more vulnerable position. I close my eyes. Everything hits me. Fear. My eyes are shaking as I sit and feel cars go by watching me and possibly questioning why there is a guy sitting on a bench with his eyes closed. I feel people around me possibly making fun. My eyes still stay shut and feel this in my body and simply allow those thoughts to be. The thoughts come a plenty, the feelings of worry, self conscious, and fear arise, the mind wanting to open the eyes to 'appear normal' comes through as a thought and a feeling of tension. My eyes remain shut and I continue to watch and feel and simply allow all that is to arise. This only takes 5-10 minutes. What an incredible experience, when I don't give in to those feelings! I felt much more freer and comfortable after this meditation and will do this again tomorrow.

The hard part of meditation for me is not giving in to the mind's demands to want to 'stop'. There are a gazillion reasons to listen to a thought....any thought...those reasons....are made out of thought....but only one reason to continue to meditate and that reason has no thought behind it.