Longing for Fire

All I Am held down inside

All I Am was hidden

The echoing fear of what I'd find

if all would be forgiven

Thoughts arising of what they'd think

If this child's shell would break

An explosive Love so on the brink

A Love to soothe all aches

My skin so crawling with desire

My outsides wearing thin

The appearance just a mere attire

of a Light that burns within

So pale and cold, I wandered through

So destitute of Love

When oh when would I break on through

to the truth I am Above?

I wandered through this plastic wasteland

a comfort zone of pride

A plethora of changing masks

to hide all that I was inside 

This burning Love I long to show

to all I within my stride

Oh how oh how could they ever know?

if I'm hidden by my pride

I search and search to only fail

I'm bounded by my mind

This fire burns to no avail

oh Heaven where do I find?

Suddenly, the light appears

all appears so Bright

this Love I Am shines oh so clear

all held within this Light

The walls of fear come falling down

The walls that held me back

All the chains that kept me bound

That all expressed such Lack

This Burning flows so mightily

I Am here for all to see

All that's left is authenticity 

I finally found the key

All of me, I share with you

This fire expressed within

to be all I AM all the way through

Love is where it all Begins.

A poem I wrote about my awakening process which is still on-going. 

With Love

My Meditation

I've had some stress on and off over the past few months over noise in my apartment. My downstairs neighbor's TV is heard at random times in my living room. I live on the top floor of a six story apartment building. The walls are shit here, which means I can hear my down stairs neighbor when he coughs and he can hear me when I fart. While it does not keep me up at night (his TV that is), I find it irritating that I have to listen to his TV in my living room. When I'm sitting in my living room trying to meditate, or relax, it's very distracting to have to listen to the rumblings and mumbling of his TV. Part of the problem I find is the acoustics of the apartment are terrible. So, I don't know what can actually be done other than putting my AC for now and blocking it out.

So, I decided to go outside. It's a beautiful evening. Gorgeous sunset outside and there is quite a lovely breeze and some humidity. Very summery feel to the evening. I sense tension in my abdomen at the thought of having to go back upstairs to my apartment and listen to my neighbor's TV.

I sit on the park bench and face traffic intentionally to put myself in a more vulnerable position. I close my eyes. Everything hits me. Fear. My eyes are shaking as I sit and feel cars go by watching me and possibly questioning why there is a guy sitting on a bench with his eyes closed. I feel people around me possibly making fun. My eyes still stay shut and feel this in my body and simply allow those thoughts to be. The thoughts come a plenty, the feelings of worry, self conscious, and fear arise, the mind wanting to open the eyes to 'appear normal' comes through as a thought and a feeling of tension. My eyes remain shut and I continue to watch and feel and simply allow all that is to arise. This only takes 5-10 minutes. What an incredible experience, when I don't give in to those feelings! I felt much more freer and comfortable after this meditation and will do this again tomorrow.

The hard part of meditation for me is not giving in to the mind's demands to want to 'stop'. There are a gazillion reasons to listen to a thought....any thought...those reasons....are made out of thought....but only one reason to continue to meditate and that reason has no thought behind it.

What is Vulnerability?

I've been thinking recently. What exactly is vulnerability? My perspective since I started this blog is starting shift a lot from my earlier posts.

I notice within myself that at times, I want to make people like me and in turn, I will at times resort to a tactic of fear, in that I will not open up honestly to that person and instead think about what that person wants to hear. Much more so in the past than the present, but it still happens at times. There could be a plethora of reasons that I want someone to like me. Perhaps, I am trying to attain something from that person, whether it be security, a temporary feeling of 'being wanted' or a distraction to something else going on in my life that I don't want to face and in turn, desperate to gain the love from another. One of the reasons energetically that I became physically sick in the first place.

Yet, vulnerability allows me to be scared. It allows my fears to fully surface and be there for everyone to see. No insurance, no security, just me, flaws and all for the world to see. But, it's honesty that's so important in our re-lating to one another. Fear is ok too of course. But, fear truly does restrict and contract consciousness if projected outward. I find with myself, when I am authentic to another person, it means that I am willing to risk having that person run away from me after learning more about me, my past and all, just to Be as I am to that person. Where are my intentions? With love, they are to fully express me, as I already am. With fear, they are to make that person like me. What's the choice going to be? Honesty is the highest form of love. My chakras open the more expressive I am through honesty.

I've been a control freak for too much of my life. I went to an 'out of body experience' seminar tonight in Manhattan and the man leading it told me that the problem holding me back from self induced astral projection is that I am trying too much to control. (Shocker). It's funny because I found that astral projection has been a form of learning for me to understand my fears more so. It's taught me already the true meaning of 'letting go'. You can't go out of your body unless you let go. You can't sleep at night, unless you let go. You can't align with your nature, unless you let go. How do you let go? Surrender.

With Love

An Enlightening NDE

One of the most profound, enlightening things I have ever read. A good friend shared this with me today. I would imagine that this is what true Enlightenment is. This gave me incredible chills.

Read and enjoy:

Profound NDE

Silent Lucidity

Have been listening to this song for decades. Never realized the spiritual undertones of this song until now. The lyrics move me to tears every time I hear it now because I can relate to it. It's about spiritual awakening and lucid dreaming. I've been lucid dreaming and going out of body now and going out of body is all about letting go and allowing your fear to be there.

The earth realm being a 'place where you learn to face your fears'. Re-incarnation in 'retrace the years'. "Relax child, you were there, but only didn't realize"-means we all come from the same 'place' of Love, but we all forget when we incarnate here. The singer is taking the position of a spirit guide, guiding someone. I'm learning to face my fears and it's so painful for me, but I realize it's a gift to come here and heal and learn about myself.

 Queensryche-Silent Lucidity.

"There's a place I like to hide
A doorway that I run through in the night
Relax child, you were there
But, only didn't realize, and you were scared
It's a place where you will learn
to face your fears, retrace the years
And ride the whims of the mind
Commanding in another world
Suddenly, you hear and see
This magic new dimension"

Love to all

Everything is always OK

I've felt lost lately. I've had sleep anxiety. There's just been a lot of confusion in my life over the past couple of weeks energetically which has reached its peak today, with no cause at all seemingly and yet many causes seemingly. I've been trying and trying and trying to find my way home and out of this internal struggle in my mind and the more I try, the more lost I am inside of my mind. The deeper into despair and anxiety I feel. Where am I going? What am I doing here? How am I going to heal this? How can everything be ok when I feel this way? Which is the right path? There are too many options to choose from. How will I get by? I've been trying so hard to connect with my higher self that I forgot that....in the trying and trying and trying to find the answers and connect to the higher ME, I've been actually counterproductive to what I truly am because the more you try, the more you resist the Eternal Now. Accepting my feelings of despair, confusion and being lost and allowing them to be as they are tonight, has allowed me to find love and peace now in these transient energy forms of feelings and emotions. I still feel sad and lonely tonight as a result of my anxiety of late, but it's ok that I do now which has such a different context than adding that additional layer of 'why, why why'.

My feelings have dictated to me that something has been off in my life for a while now and I've taken notice to that and become aware that something has not felt right, but have not been able to accept those feelings because I've been looking within my mind for answers to them and when you do that, you go further and further down the rabbit hole. The mind can be an incredibly effective tool. Yet, sometimes, it's so much easier to simply sit back, relax and accept the present moment as it is. Meaning, no matter how you feel and no matter how difficult life seems, no matter what emotions arise, no matter what physical sensations arise, you are not merely that. You are the Eternal Now, the higher Self, all the Selves in which all of this arises and while the story that I believe myself to be can be harmed and can be hurt and can make me break down, that which I truly am (Now) can never be harmed because I am not the story of my mind.

All is always OK, until I believe that it is not. And I'll be lost again at some point, but just like meditation, you bring yourself back to the present moment.

With Love always

I AM....that....I AM

I had a wave of insight today that came through and I know this will sound similar to my older posts, but I need to write this down before I lose it. Writing in my blog is a form of channeling from my higher self at certain points, when I receive waves of insight in connecting with my higher self. Caffeine helps too I find. I don't know why.

I AM.....is all there is. Therefore, what am I? I AM.....that I AM. There is much to illuminate in physical reality. Yet, what is unknown from this perspective of Being, is merely just that....unknown. Unknown does not mean non-existent. Illuminating the unknown is how our experience works in physicality. Through this physical body/mind, there is no experiential knowledge of an ant crawling outside. Therefore, that ant, is unknown to this vehicle of Being. That ant is utter darkness as per the perspective of this body/mind. When this body/mind illuminates that ant, that ant is now known, to this very body/mind!

Therefore, experience works this way. I AM is ultimately God and all that is. Everything is God. Everything is I AM already from the higher, higher perspective of Being. A grain of sand is already I AM, because it merely just IS. However, experience, is I AM knowing itself, learning about itself, and growing and evolving, through each different unique vehicle. Again, ultimately, all is already known by I AM, because each aspect of reality makes up the entire whole from the highest perspective possible. However, each individual, unique exploratory vehicle can only know one thing at a time. So, even though, all is already known as I AM, from the greatest perspective, what we are doing here is, I AM experientially gaining that knowing through our own experience, through the experience of a tree, an ant, a rock, a grain of salt. There is no past and future. The eternal now is I AM. The eternal now is I AM as all of reality exists in all dimensions simultaneously. Separation, is the opportunity to experientially know each piece through this dimension of time and space (which ultimately, is not real from the greater perspective).

What does this gain you might ask?

The opportunity to explore creatively for this individual, yet NOT separate aspect of I AM, offers itself to know itself experientially and understand its true nature as the One and only unconditional loving I AM through each aspect of itself.

How can this not blow your mind at how incredible we are as our true nature as Love?

Just watched the 'Ten Commandments' the other night on ABC, and in every major religion, I AM, that I AM, is the reference to God itself.

There is only I AM. We are all......I AM.