The Insecure Ego Identity Part two

So, feeding off of part one of this two part blog post, based on my own experiences with insecurity, everything really boils down to identity. Our nervous systems are protecting the perceived sense of identity of who we believe we are. Perhaps it's safe to say that we have no identity in early childhood, and that identity is only created via our interactions with our caregivers. Because we step into this life as a clean slate of Awareness as stated, our True identity, having been blocked out (amnesia), we have an opportunity at an extremely young age, to create an identity on a completely blank canvas.

Yet, consider that we intentionally choose to create an identity that contradicts our true nature prior to coming here. "Prior" to incarnating, we choose to set challenges for ourselves which take place early in our life as a starting point, so that we have the opportunity to 'overcome' them later in life, by stepping into our true power. This is why we identify ourselves with the body/mind. The only way to lose ourselves, is to identify with limitation and survival as a gateway; as a portal to stepping into unlimited potential, which is our true, infinite, eternal nature. In other words, you couldn't find your way home, if you didn't first lose yourself. Isn't this the fun and challenge of the game?

But, let's just consider for a second, how perfect we truly are at our essence. God's true nature is utter and complete perfection, Love beyond any human comprehension, wholeness, completeness, and Oneness without an opposite. Can you possibly fathom what it would be like if part of God was not perfect, if part of god was unworthy or incomplete? The only way that would be possible, is if God itself was somehow separated into parts. There is God (perfection) and there is me (imperfection). I have already taken myself to be something separate from this seamless backdrop of all existence. This Pure Awareness which lightens our experiential play is always here, and always unchanging. But, I see myself as something other than that, because of my strong identification with the story playing in my mind, which I believe to be a true indication of an identity of someone named 'Derek'.

The idea of separation cannot exist, outside of God's own imagination; outside of OUR own imagination. Are we separate from God? Where does this separation exist outside of the narrative/story in our minds that we so strongly take to be true? There is only just THIS. What we call the Present Moment, perhaps we can say.....IS God and IS our true essence. It's the place where we are no longer identified with the streaming narrative running in our minds, but instead allowing of that story to play out on its own, and we are directly present with whatever is happening in our direct experience, including feelings/emotions and sensations in our body, without the narrative describing those sensations. 

Now imagine a world where there IS only pure and utter perfection (the Spirit World), the place we come from 'before' coming into these bodies, where the idea of 'not perfect' is something we can only dream of experiencing, and laugh about, because perfection and imperfection simply do not exist.

The idea of perfection is an implication that there could be something that is NOT perfect. But, anything other than THIS.....can only exist as a potential thought, to be experienced if we so choose to in an incarnate form. Just like unicorns and the devil are not real things that exist here on Earth, and things we can only create through our imagination (movies, books, dreams, etc) if we want to experience them as 'real', the same can be said for imperfection and incompleteness from the perspective of the non physical. The only way imperfection or incompleteness can be experienced from the non physical, is to imagine ourselves as imperfect through......physical incarnation into a human experience. As we would have to mis-identify ourselves with limitation (the mind/body) in order to actually have the real, raw experience of......not feeling like we are already complete. 

Now, imagine waking up in a human body, not knowing who you are, where you are, what you are. Only an intuitive sense of your natural, perfect state. But, that gets pushed away, in place of the desperate needs that have to be met by your caregiver, and thereafter, the beliefs you form based on the perceptions you had with those caregivers. Your experience with your caregivers shows you that you need to act a certain way in order to get their attention, approval, validation and love, and as very small children, getting that was literally, life and death.

We were completely dependent and vulnerable on getting those needs met, or else we would literally, die. Perhaps you were not attended to in the crib when you were crying and you were simply left to cry and scream which made you feel abandoned. Perhaps you had another sibling who meant competition for mom and dad's love for you which made you feel rejected and unworthy. Perhaps, you were abused emotionally, physically and/or sexually, and made to feel less then, unworthy, massive shame and simply not enough. All of these experiences led to the perceptions we had at a young age, and helped form the identity that we believed we were based on the conclusions we came to about ourselves, from these early life experiences.  

But, knowing about our true perfection, which we discussed above, now imagine how painful it would be for anything in existence to perceive itself as.....not already perfect when the truth of perfection is imprinted into the very fabric of existence. This is exactly what we do. We think we are something 'other' than perfection, because we have no recollection of our true nature. We identify with the biological human vehicle as all that we are, and create an identity for ourselves based on how we are perceived by our caregivers, how our caregivers interact with each other, and how we perceive ourselves in relation to our caregivers.

The inkling of intuition that flows through every cell in our body, tells us that we are already perfect. Therefore, to experience ourselves as not getting love, validation, approval; to experience ourselves as being in the wrong place, doing something wrong; to experience ourselves as moving away from love, falling out of alignment with the rest of the world, falling behind, would re-enforce these core beliefs of unworthiness, not enough, imperfection, not whole, and this, therefore, would re-enforce that early sense of insecurity.

For a Being of complete and utter perfection to actually believe itself to be incomplete, not good enough, unworthy; to not already feel secure in its own essence, is simply too painful for that Being to bear, because in essence, there IS only perfection which we again, intuitively sense. Because we haven't a clue of our true nature though; because we so strongly identify with the voice in our head (which is just the voice of survival from early childhood warning us of anything that can go wrong and this is the Ego), we can't allow ourselves to be vulnerable and can't allow ourselves to be exposed, open, raw, and naked. We can't allow ourselves to show weakness. It would jeopardize our entire persona, to be at risk for rejection; to be at risk for scrutiny, for criticism, which we take to be an injustice against.....our core essence. Letting our guard down would be equivalent to dying for a nervous system that is programmed to only protect our sense of 'identity'.

Therefore, it's much safer to shut it out, split off, protect itself from feeling that insecurity, that sense of unworthiness, that sense of incompleteness via ruminating in our thoughts, by trying to control our thoughts. Trying to figure things out with our minds as a form of resisting the actual painful feelings is a form of safe control for the Ego. Trying to prove that that story is not true with our minds. Trying to figure everything out with our minds, so that we avoid the feeling of 'uncertainty'. Uncertainty is death to our survival minds, because for an insecure ego, there is such little trust in life itself, that we ALWAYS want and need to feel secure. In other words, we always need to feel.......in control.

We believe so strongly again, in the story playing through our thoughts, that a single thought, if believed can initiate a cycle of immense pain, when triggered, until we finally get so tired that we have no choice, but to step out of it and surrender.

We believe a thought so strongly that we will do anything to avoid thinking that thought, because the thought re-enforces the core emotional pain stemming from some sort of belief about ourselves that we are too afraid to face, because once again, we think the fear is an indication that there is actually something wrong with the core essence of who we really are.

Or instead, we might believe a worrisome thought which is projecting the worst case scenario on a particular situation we are involved with that has nothing to do with how we are perceived by others. Our thoughts are always based in negativity, because our brains have an evolutionary negativity bias built in as a form of protection from predators. We are literally wired for protection. But, the more we resist those early childhood beliefs and emotions, the more ingrained those beliefs become, and the more our brains will operate from that place of that 'scared child'. Therefore certain situations will simply re-enforce that early childhood insecurity and we will feel like we just want to feel.......safe, secure and loved in that particular moment. As cliche as it is, what we resist with our beliefs, truly does persist.

When we are so identified in our heads, in those thoughts, we actually bypass and suppress what is actually happening. And what is actually happening, is the direct emotional experience in our bodies.

Since childhood, we pushed those emotions away, because we feared what they represented. We simply did not trust in our true nature enough to let go into our direct embodied experience. It was simply not safe enough.

So, in essence, we are too afraid to face some of our thoughts and too afraid to feel those direct feelings in our bodies, not so much because the sensations themselves are dangerous, or the thoughts themselves are dangerous, but because ultimately, we are too afraid of letting go of focusing on the thoughts, which would equate to..... letting go of control and opening ourselves up into full vulnerability and trust.

What if I could fully accept that this person is rejecting me? What if this other person IS moving ahead with their lives, and I am still struggling. What an act of love to honor what I am actually feeling, rather than suppressing that, pushing it away, in order to make myself feel and appear more 'on the same level as they are' to once again appear 'secure'. What if I can fully accept that the situation I am 'stuck in' right now sucks. Can I let go of control, and surrender enough to trust that the answer WILL indeed come when I am no longer resisting through ruminating?

The other option is surrender and fully letting go of control. That would mean we can, through an act of full vulnerability and trust, take our attention away from that movie playing in our minds, and move into that feeling of unworthiness directly in the body, and see first hand, if it really is true.

To allow our thoughts to go by without indulging in them, often feels like death to us, because the ego has no choice, but to surrender control to the higher consciousness (who we really are). But, the Ego doesn't believe in a higher consciousness. It believes this body/mind is all we are.

If I don't entertain or worry about that thought, then I might die. This is exactly what our nervous systems do. Our nervous systems don't know the difference between who we really are, and who we believe we are. We are the ones that dictate that once again at an early age, unconsciously of course.

So, as we can see, we go from creating an identity based in limitation, survival and fear, to the point where the walls start to break down and the cracks of light start to shine through as the pain of living a lie is too much for us and we have simply no choice, but to surrender into the full vulnerability of our Higher Self, and allow the ego to gradually die, or else, true death itself.

"When at last there is nothing left to lose, you are ready. For only then, in the sacred space of humility, are you able to recognize and embrace what has never been lost. It is only when you are convinced that you are hopelessly lost - when you simply do not know where to turn - that you turn within, and the real journey begins.

~ Rasha"

The Insecure Ego identity Part One

The Ego can be defined in a number of different ways. This blog piece and the follow up, will be focused on the insecure ego, which is what I have experienced through most of my life. So, this is more of an open sharing of my own experiences and what I have learned on my own (thus far), and through my research with the nervous system. The insecure ego encompasses anyone who grew up feeling 'not good enough OR an extreme sense of superiority'. They are both part of the same mechanism, but merely manifest differently.

My view, for now, on this matter, is as follows and it's only my own perspective once again and there's a lot I still have to learn about this.

Basically, we (I AM) come into this life as a clean slate. We essentially don’t remember anything about our initial true identity as Pure Spirit (I AM), because we purposely choose to have amnesia to block out the memory of our true identity, when we made the choice to incarnate here, in order to have (what feels like) a real, physical experience here. 

The biological survival organism is set up to protect the body from life and death. Hence the survival aspect. The Autonomic Nervous System serves multiple functions. One is survival. The survival aspect consists of the Fight/Flight (Sympathetic) and Freeze (Over Parasympathetic-Dorsal Vagal in regards to the Vagus Nerve), while Ventral Vagal is the social engagement or the calming effect of the Parasympathetic Branch. It is supposed to keep us safe from wild predators and any immediate, imminent threat to the actual safety of our biological mechanism. Literal.....life and death. We could not have a real life physical experience here on Earth without a functioning survival aspect of our nervous systems. In other words, its job is to keep us alive in the virtual reality game. 

So, we come into this life, incarnate into the live fetus, not a clue who we truly are. Just a blank slate of Awareness. We feel we are one with our mothers since we are connected in the womb. It’s the closest feeling of unconditional love we can have, while experiencing in a physical body. Then, our first experience of separation happens. We realize perhaps that we are separate from mom. She is one entity, and I am another, which is quite a shock to our very young, sensitive nervous systems. I AM....this biological body/mind vehicle. My mother is another biological/body mind vehicle. 

Whether this happens in the womb or after birth, it matters not. It’s a shock to us, because we have an inkling of intuition that KNOWS that unconditional love is already our nature, but can't fully grasp this. Love is the essence of our true identity. It's a feeling. We already are....."All That Is". So, anything that feels like "not love" already feels 'off', and I would suggest, this is an intentional by design, aspect of our internal guidance system. 

But, somehow, we can’t remember that and feel separate and alone. And the idea that we are separate seems, well, painful to us. We completely identify ourselves with the biological human body. We "mistakenly" think we ARE this body/mind and ONLY this body/mind. I AM.....becomes......I AM this body. So, our nervous systems which are primed for survival of the body/mind vehicle, already take note of this identification. 

Then, through our experiences with our caregivers as little ones, we realize we are completely vulnerable and dependent on our caregivers to get our needs met. If our needs are met in the fashion closest to unconditional secure love (remember, this is who we really are), we will feel mostly secure.

 If our needs are not met in the ways we needed; or if we were abused; or if we simply PERCEIVED that we were not lovable or good enough, or complete, or/and we could have also inferred subconscious programs in the womb from our mothers (which scientists like Bruce Lipton are now reporting), our identity is then created through the core belief that we are 'incomplete' or 'unworthy'. We take this to be a true core essence of who we are. This leads to massive insecurity (I know from experience). 

Already believing  our identity as "I AM....this body", this identity expands to now take on the new essence of these new core beliefs, such as (incompleteness, unworthiness, not good enough, etc). I AM....incomplete. 

 Our nervous system already priming the I AM for protecting, believing it IS only this body/mind, now puts our amygdala on alert for any perceived threat that reinforces this core belief of 'incompleteness' or 'unworthiness'. Remember, the survival aspect of our nervous system's job is to protect the "identity" of the body/mind vehicle from dying. Literally. Wild predators, an oncoming bus, etc. So it IS doing its job. But, because We (As Pure Spirit) have "mistakenly" identified ourselves AS these body/minds (and this is all intentional from a larger perspective which I will expand on in part two), our nervous systems are now programmed to protect anything associated with "I AM". 

So, it's not only the body/mind that it is protecting from actual physical death, but the newly created identity (the false self, the ego) based on the core beliefs we have taken on. This belief gets reinforced over time as all beliefs do when they are not seen through. We don't question it and believe we ARE it. I AM....Derek and Derek is incomplete. Therefore, anything that might re-enforce the feeling that 'Derek is incomplete' will be looked at as a threat to survival. 

As time goes by, this becomes our new comfort set point which feels painful to change (see Dr. Joe Dispenza's work). Our nervous system builds up this persona, mask, armor to defend us and protect us from anything that could re-enforce these core beliefs, because the core beliefs are thought to be true, and taken to be the core essence of our actual identity as separate people. 

Ultimately, the beliefs are always based in separation, because that's how the identity we created with the body/mind vehicle began. However, they just manifest uniquely for each of us depending on the initial experience where the belief was formed, and our own unique life experiences. So, they are ultimately protecting us from the true vulnerability of our actual nature, from actual trust, from actual love. 

Any attempt to go out of this comfort zone, feels like death to ourselves, because our nervous systems are wired to protect us from (what it believes as).....dying. Most of our core beliefs involve on some level, the belief that we need approval and love outside of ourselves from other people, because we never really understood our true identity when we were babies, and never really had a secure base to claim our identity. Our identity was created through our interaction and attunement again, with our caregivers. So, if we feel unworthy, rejection would feel like death. 

Remember again, the nervous system is just doing its job. Its job, again, is to protect the body mind from death. But, because the essential nature of the body mind has now been "mistakenly" expanded to include "I AM' (in other words, our true Spirit nature), anything associated with "I AM", is going to be protected. And since the core beliefs are taken to actually be our true essence; our true identity, the nervous system is protecting us from feeling the pain of having those initial core beliefs reinforced. It would be inconceivably painful to actually experience....."we are not good enough, unworthy". 

So, the ego mask tries to hold it all together to appear....."secure" when underneath that armor, there is simply an incredibly scared, insecure little child who feels weak, vulnerable and wants to feel loved and safe and secure, longs to feel 'his home nature'. 

We can say that other animals on Earth don't have these core beliefs, because when they experience trauma, they shake it off. Humans on the other hand tend to often shut down around trauma, around painful experiences and split off, to create a false identity to avoid feeling the initial pain. Plus, humans have the capacity to be self aware unlike many other animals. It's an incredibly smart, survival tactic that serves us early in our lives when we have young sensitive nervous systems, but does not serve us later in life, when those same issues continue to re-surface time and time again. Believing this is who we are, we perpetually identify with the thoughts that are coming out of the survival mind. This perpetual identification is how the Ego is formed. More on this in part two.......

*This post has been updated with some new information on the nervous system, from the time I initially wrote it.